Having time to relax is important. Sharing what we enjoy with our kids can be valuable. Yet is football the answer?
Football:
excludes half the population who could be playing it.* (more)
restricts girls and women to subservient roles. (more)
perpetuates the emphasis on girls and women as visual aesthetics for boys and men. (more)
raises our kids to think that boys deserve to be the center of attention and girls deserve to watch. (more)
maligns girls and women to incite aggressive behavior in boys and men. (more)
It’s time for parents, coaches, and managers to call an end to excluding girls and women from playing football. Without girls’ and women’s involvement, football perpetuates and strengthens harmful mindsets, leading to damaging behaviors off the field; some of which are dreadfully serious.
Football excludes half the population who could be playing it.
If you are a girl or a woman (or know a girl or a woman) who doesn’t ever want to play football, that’s fine. If you are a girl or a woman who thinks you will never have the size or physical ability needed to play football, that’s fine. Own that choice. It is yours to make. However, do not rationalize your choice by saying it’s because you’re a girl or a woman. If you look for them, you’ll see plenty of women who are solidly built, broad, or husky. You’ll see women who are powerfully athletic, strong, and capable. You’ll also see women who are taller than you.
Be honest about your own reasons. Such as:
you’ve never lifted heavy weights to strengthen your body.
you’ve never done 20 wind sprints in one morning to develop speed.
you’ve never learned to shove, grab, and push others out of your way effectively.
you’re 5’0” and 99 pounds.
you’ve never practiced throwing or catching a football the correct way until it became second nature.
you’ve never done the hustle needed to be at your physical peak.
you’ve never learned to fight for something with your whole being.
Make it for whatever reason is unique to you. Never, though, make it because you’re a girl or a woman. If you make that your excuse, such as by saying, “Women just don’t have the strength,” “Girls aren’t big enough,” or “Women aren’t aggressive enough,” you are throwing all girls and women under the bus for something that is your individual reality, preference, and/or choice. And you would be wrong. There are countless women and girls who could play tackle football. There are girls and women who can be aggressive in sports, particularly if they’re given the opportunity. Some girls and women are already playing tackle football well, even without the excessive and continual support and resources given to boys and men (Women’s Football Alliance and Utah Girls Tackle Football).
There is countless evidence that girls and women have been undervalued for their physical abilities and still are.
Women alive today weren’t allowed by the men handling sports programs in the 1950’s (such as those in the National Federation of State High School Associations, aka NFHS), to run the full court in a basketball game. They were also not allowed to bounce the ball more than once. Even today in 2020 the board of directors of the NFHS is egregiously missing the 50% representation on their board that would reflect the actual student population. Women and men need to be making decisions together for girls and boys, not just men.
As author Chris Crowley states, “There was a time in this nation when there was a serious body of thought that exercise was bad for women. My very own mother [Lurana] experienced it. One day, [around] 1900 or 1902, when mother was six or eight, she came home to this serious scene. Her mother and a [male] acquaintance were waiting for her in the formal parlor of [her home]. Because, as the man had told my grandmother, ‘I saw Lurana running this morning.’ He thought my grandmother ought to know. She was told not to do it anymore. In the fifty years I knew [my mother], I never saw her do a single athletic thing. Not one.” ¹
This restricting of girls and women would be ridiculous and hilarious if it wasn’t so tragic. Think of the thousands (millions, really) of girls and women who have been robbed of opportunities to express their athletic ability, feel the sense of accomplishment and joy that comes from playing sports, and gain awareness of how truly capable their bodies are. We have all been robbed of the ways girls and women could have been contributing to the development of athletics since our country’s beginning.
For those of us who say we don’t want girls and women to be hurt as the reason we don’t want them playing football, we are deluding ourselves. Girls and women are hurt every day by certain boys and men because we teach them that girls and women are their subordinates to be used as they wish–not their peers, teammates, or equals. We segregate them from girls and women as much as we can until we want them to date, and then we wonder why date rape and other forms of assault happen. Also the activity we channel girls and women towards, “cheerleading[,] is by far the most perilous sport for female athletes in high school and college, accounting for as much as two-thirds of severe school-sports injuries over the past 25 years.”
The landmark Title IX ruling was to give girls and women access to the athletics they had been denied, not to give a legal loophole to certain men so they can run a men’s only or boys’ only club that still receives federal funding. “No person in the United States shall, on the basis of sex, be excluded from participation” is Title IX language.
Football restricts girls and women to subservient roles
Girls and women haven’t just been excluded from playing football and freed up to be the center of attention in another sport or activity. They’ve been directed into a secondary, side-line role at the football field: cheerleading.
Cheerleaders may be athletic, gifted, and skilled, but they will always be second to the players. Because that is what they are there for: to support the boys and men on the football team.
As the National Federation of State High School Associations states on its website, “The cheerleading team is the connection between the fans and the athletic team. The energy and enthusiasm produced by the crowd can rally a sports team to play better and boost overall morale. It is the cheerleading team’s task to unify the crowd in its efforts.”
Football perpetuates the emphasis on girls and women as visual aesthetics.
If cheerleaders wore the most comfortable and practical clothes for being outside in autumn weather, they would be wearing pants, flexible fabrics, and layers. They would be keeping their entire body, including their legs, warm.
If the girls and women in cheerleading didn’t wear such revealing clothes, we would automatically focus more on their skills. Football culture however wants us to treat girls and women as visual accessories to the action displayed by football players. Cheerleaders’ clothing shows off the shape of their bodies and bare skin. At the NFL level, where football culture is at its peak, outfits are stripped down to even less, so our eyes automatically go to a cheerleader’s chest, stomach, crotch, legs, and rear end, hardly noticing her dance moves. She is exposed for boys and men to view as they wish. They can watch her hungrily or not give her a second look. They hold the power of choice; she does not. She is exposed for their whims.
NFL cheerleaders are also held up as the ideal woman in football culture. We are rarely told their names or their stories (as those are clearly not important in football culture). Yet we know the details of their bodies. As the TV camera sweeps past their eerily similar bodies and faces (when compared to the variety that exists in the world), the underlying message is clear: these ideal women are as highly regarded as women will ever be and they are happy to be relegated to the sidelines, supporting whatever men are doing, wearing tiny outfits, being uncomfortable in cold weather, smiling, and dancing around. (When you dig deeper, you find they are also “happy” to be paid low wages and receive few perks for their efforts. Another message is that this is what even the best women are worthy of. They are fulfilled being near men doing things and waiting to have the male gaze upon them, even for the briefest of moments, to validate their purpose in life. Football culture is saying, “Attention girls and women of the world: know your place, because this is it.” (“Boys and men, listen up, too, so you can keep football culture going by being fans and tolerating this.”)
Football raises our kids to think that boys deserve to be the center of attention and girls deserve to watch.
By literally putting boys and men in the center of attention as the main event and preventing girls and women from joining in–and then relegating girls and women to a supporting role on the side of the field, we are unquestioningly teaching our kids the stark messages that boys and men do great deeds, we all need to watch them, girls and women don’t do great deeds, and boys and men don’t need to watch girls and women do anything. (The only way some men do line up to watch women is when they take off their clothes, whether the women are working on their PhDs or paying for their kids’ tuitions.)
These experiences from the football field feed how kids act in school, who steps up to lead group projects and who doesn’t, who expects to be listened to and who submits to listening, who expects to win elections and who helps on the campaign, who asks for what he wants in a relationship and who keeps her needs to herself, who believes they are capable of greatness and who doesn’t, and on it goes.
Football culture fuels girls and women acting passively around boys and men, and leads boys and men to expect them to. When girls and women are not, conflict happens. The boys and men most influenced by football culture will more likely resolve conflict with aggression and physical force.
Football culture maligns girls and women as a tool to incite aggressive behavior in boys and men.
The coaches and parents who drill football-culture messages into players’ heads incite boys’ and men’s aggression, strength, and power by demonizing girls and women–defining them as weak and having no place on the football field. This emphasis on aggression and physical force to get results combined with their claim of superiority over girls and women oozes off the football field and into our lives. Spectators who merely watch the game are influenced. There is “significant and robust evidence that football game days increase reports of rape victimization among 17 [to] 24-year-old women by 28 percent. Home games increase reports by 41 percent on the day of the game and away games increase reports by 15 percent. These effects are greater for schools playing in the more prominent subdivision of Division 1 and for relatively prominent games.”
Certain men connected with football also want us to think that assault and sexual assault inflicted by football players are unusual. Even people in charge of the media choose to use words like “stunned” and “shocked” when reporting yet another assault case. What pattern do you see after reading the high-school stories below? Warning: explicit content.
(In Maryland) “Several junior-varsity football players pinned a teammate in a locker room, pulled his pants down and sexually assaulted him with a broomstick.”
(In Ohio) Two football players used their fingers to penetrate the genitals of a 16-year-old girl, who one referred to as “like a dead body,” “while she was so drunk that she lacked the cognitive ability to give her consent for sex” and posted it on social media. Then a football player circulated another picture of “her lying naked in a basement with…semen on her body.” This assault was “proof as well, some community members said, that Steubenville High School’s…football team held too much sway over other teenagers, who documented and traded pictures of the assault while doing little or nothing to protect the girl.”
(In Oklahoma) Four football players “confessed verbally and in written statements to participating in the assault of [a younger football player] with [a] broomstick.” A student “witnessed the victim being carried from the freshman side of the locker room to the varsity side. The witness said he then saw someone ‘grab a broomstick and shove the stick up [the victim’s] rectum.’ ”
(In New Jersey) “Seven Sayreville players were charged with hazing and sexual assault of four teammates in the high school’s locker room.” A player confides that there was “ ‘a pattern of ritualistic abuse and bullying’ against younger members of the team.”
(In Connecticut) Two “members of the…football team have been charged in sexual assault cases involving different 13-year-old girls”
(In Illinois) A teen during football camp was “standing in a line during practice when the four upperclassman tackled him, stripped him of his shorts and held him down while one of the teens sexually assaulted him.”
(In California) “Four football players were cited for the assault on a…teammate and that the assault occurred after practice in a locker room.”
(In Michigan) A high school football coach (and teacher) had a sexual relationship with a 16-year-old student. There was “evidence [that] Stewart ‘furnished alcohol to students at parties,’ created a ‘sexually charged and hostile learning environment,’ propositioned another student and ‘threatened a student with physical harm because the student had told Mr. Stewart to leave high school girls alone.’ ”
(In Arizona) A “football player [is] accused of physically and sexually attacking some of his teammates.”
Some of the incidences above are football players sexually assaulting other players. Football culture breeds this behavior. The maligning of girls and women as weak and inferior combined with suppressing the unaccepted feelings of boys and men (those categorized under “weakness”: sadness, fear, insecurity, hurt, and disappointment) create a volatile mix. Suppressed feelings don’t go away; they remain buried until a situation triggers their sudden release in uncontrolled ways.
In the Journal of Health and Social Behavior, Debra Umberson, Kristi Williams and Kristin Anderson explain, “repressed emotion plays a role in triggering violent episodes.” “Certain groups…emphasize violence as an acceptable way to express feeling and solve problems” and violent acts are linked to men who “devote considerable energy to controlling and avoiding emotion.”
Repressed feelings find the path of least resistance for expression, which among football players, is through aggression and anger. Unhinged, aggression and anger become violence. Any football player who shows weakness in this environment becomes a potential trigger for others and a target.
These perpetrators of sexual assault are “saying” to their boy victims:
“You are such scum, you are the worst of the worst. You are so weak, you are like a girl, a woman, so we will treat you like one. This is what we do to girls and women.”
“These are insults that are so commonplace,” shares Levy. Revealing is that these comments are not gender neutral, such as “Suck it up.” Every single one is connected to maligning women and girls (as threats to being competent, strong, powerful, or valuable). Even when coaches themselves don’t say the insults and harassing statements, they create an environment where this thinking festers and look the other way when players inflict it on each other.
The number of rapes, assaults, and other crimes committed by just one college football team is described in Scoreboard, Baby: A Story of College Football, Crime, and Complicity.
At the professional level, what does football culture create?
Former NFL player “faces charges of raping a hitchhiker, forced oral copulation with the same hitchhiker and sodomizing the same homeless woman he was convicted of raping. He also faces charges of raping an unconscious woman in 2003.”
NFL football player “accused of sexually assaulting a dancer…at a nightclub.”
“Former NFL Network [employee] alleges she was subjected to repeated instances of sexual harassment by retired players and network executives,” including being pinned “against a wall and demanded that she perform oral sex.”
An employee with the NFL Network claims a former NFL player “rubbed his genitals against her, grabbed her ass, and harassed her via private Instagram messages.”
Don McPherson says, “If my power as a man lies in my privilege over women, or my privilege to be identified as a hyper-masculine football player, I denounce that power. That’s not power to me.” “That’s a privilege that comes from oppression.”
Now is the time to stop the parts of football culture that lead to violence off the field: (1) excluding girls and women from playing, (2) maligning them as weak and inferior, and (3) using them as a hostile motivational tool to incite aggressive behavior. We need to demand leagues, coaches, and managers use healthier ways to create competitive teams, and open up the game to girls and women as players, coaches, and managers. Like many sports, the game of football can be exciting and fun. The hype around a game: the crowds, the bands, the cheers, the drum core, and the half-time show can also add to the excitement. Let’s make these needed changes and give our athletic kids the opportunity to strive, execute strategy, and surmount obstacles together. Only then can they learn to rely on each other as capable teammates, friends, and allies.
Action steps
Don’t stay silent 1) Contact one or more of these groups: - your local flag football league - your local high school - your local college - your local pro team and let them know that you want girls and women involved in football as players, coaches, and managers. Ask how you can help and help them.
2) Contact the decision-makers at the organizations below (click on each link for more information). Let them know what actions you’re taking until they make these changes (not buying tickets, etc.), and what actions you want them to take.
Start a solution 1) Start a clinic for women on coaching football skills and managing teams. Recognize that participation may be low at first because of our society’s previous messages. Continue to spread the word. Find positions for the “graduates” of your clinic. 2) Start a skills clinic for girls. Recognize that the participation may be low at first because of our society’s previous messages. Continue to spread the word and find like-minded people.
Look for visual representation Look for signs publicizing “youth” flag football leagues and request that they show girls in all their materials and on signs.
Recruit Recruit women and girls to be involved in your league. Train them in whatever ways are needed.
Expand your life Write down 20 (or more) things you like to do or would like to start doing. Circle the ones that have nothing to do with professional sports that exclude women and start doing those more often.
Put your money towards fairness (and what you say you believe in) Sponsor women’s pro tackle football and attend their games. Sponsor girls’ tackle football and attend their games when you are in the area.
Bring some fairness to football. Go out and play football with your daughters and sons, nieces and nephews, etc. Teach them patiently and respectfully the skills needed. Remind those who already know how to play that they’ve been lucky to have that support and guidance.
Talk about the problem Share that you don’t like how girls and women have been excluded from playing football. Tell the people in your life that you will do differently. Show them that you are different.
Speak up Speak up when someone uses gendered statements (such “Man up” or “You’re acting like a little girl”) and give them an alternative, such as “Hey, use ‘Suck it up’ instead” or “Hey, use ‘Put on your game face’ instead.” Practice responses to sexist comments, such as: “Football is for everyone. Some people and leagues are slow to catch onto that.” “Not everyone wants to play football, but it’s not fair to exclude someone before they even have a chance to try.” “Not in my opinion.” (This general phrase can be used in almost any conversation.)
Promote kids playing together Encourage kids to play together, whether they are girls or boys. Adults typically segregate kids too much by gender and kids pick up on it.
Talk about something else Think of three topics you enjoy talking about that having nothing to do with sports (particularly those that exclude women and girls) and start learning how to have those conversations.
Spread the message Forward this post to the people you want to read it.
* I realize some teams have girls as kickers and, more rarely, in other positions. This is great progress, though definitely not enough to stop the toxic culture. Open, full participation of girls and women is needed.
1 Page 106, Younger Next Year for Women by Chris Crowley and Henry S. Lodge, M.D.
Parents on your left are teaching it, and parents on your right.
“Look at him,” “He’s jumping,” “See his stripes?”
They’re sending the message that there is one primary gender and it is male.
These parents may not even realize they’re doing it. If they do realize it, they might not think it’s a big deal.
Yet by calling every animal they’re looking at a “he,” they are promoting patriarchy and passing it onto our children.
Patriarchy is a way of looking at life and people.
It directs us to focus on males’ existence, abilities, and accomplishments. It wants us to ignore females, except when they are raising young or meeting the needs of the males of the species. It guides us to filter out what females are doing right in front of our faces, and teaches our children to do the same.
The rare moment when a female animal is acknowledged by parents at the zoo is when a baby is spotted. The animal near the baby is then called a “mommy.” This perpetuates the belief that females are only “baby makers” and not fierce animals in their own right. It also perpetuates the belief that females are not worthy of talking about unless they are reproducing or taking care of others.
What these parents forget to communicate to their children is that female tigers don’t always have babies to care for and can rip your arm off just as much as a male tiger.
In fact, in some animal species, the females are particularly terrifying and in many species the female is bigger than the male.
Most female spiders eat the males after sex, as do several octopus and occasionally the Praying Mantis. Male bees do not even have stingers and stay in the hive, while every bee you see busily buzzing from flower to flower is female. Among sharks, including the Great White, the females are bigger–so too with whales; the Giant Squid; many snakes like the Anaconda; birds of prey such as the Red-tailed Hawk; Hyenas; Vampire bats; Leopard seals and so on. It’s very telling and problematic that many of us were never told these facts about the animal world during our childhoods. These facts definitely conflict with the values patriarchal thinking wants to promote.
Using “he” automatically to represent an entire species has serious consequences:
All decisions, policies, and laws are made with the interests and wishes of “he.” Any accommodations for a “she” are considered special interest, extra, inconvenient, and excessive.
When resources are divvied out, they automatically go to “he.” Any resources that go to “she” are considered special interest, extra, inconvenient, and excessive.
When we automatically think of who would be best suited for our most important, critical, high-ranking jobs, we think of “he.” A “she” might be considered, but she will never be quite right.
When we think of a person who represents the best of our species, who we all hope to aspire to be, we think of a “he.” A “she” could never be this.
Data collected for computer programs are based on “he.”
Medical studies are designed for “he.”
Stories and nonfiction accounts in books and movies feature the perspective of “he” and we think we are telling the whole story.
It’s time to stop perpetuating patriarchal thinking and give the women and girls in the world their due.
This starts with something as simple as a visit to the zoo, and our use of pronouns.
By using the pronouns “she” and “it” at the zoo, and elsewhere, we are helping those words stick in kids’ brains.
Using “she,” and the related pronouns “her/hers/herself,” raises people’s awareness about the overlooked, other half of the population.
By using “it” (and the related pronouns “its/itself”), we decrease the emphasis on whether anything is female or male. Instead we focus our and our children’s attention on the individual tiger’s actions, majesty, power, and ability. This communicates to our children that their own biological sex isn’t first and foremost; that there is so much more to them that is important.
“Look at the tiger, it has stripes.” “It’s climbing. What’s it going to do next?” or “Look how big its head is.”
If you don’t like the word “it,” I invite you to consider:
What about “it” is hard for me?
Who benefits if I refuse to use “it”?
What will I gain if I use “it”?
How can I make it easier for myself to use “it”?
Usually a child will ask us, “Is it a girl or a boy?” (They will, because they’ve learned from the adults around them to focus on gender.) In response, we can say, “I don’t know. I do know, though, that it is a magnificent animal.” Then we can talk about the animal’s qualities and actions. If we do know the animal’s sex, we can still say, “That’s an interesting question. A question I have is what part of the world is it from? What does it like to eat?”
As you can imagine, using the pronouns “she” and “it” are helpful beyond the zoo. By being intentional with our words, we can recognize ways we have internalized patriarchy and sexism. That recognition is a gift to ourselves and our children. We can then re-teach ourselves and choose what we will pass onto our children. prono
Action Steps
■ Use "she" and "it" Start using "she" and “it” in your day-to-day life when you talk about animals, e.g. dogs being walked, cats in a driveway, birds, squirrels, etc.
■ Make Changes Notice the gender/biological sex of the main characters in books. Make changes to books, stories, and other messages, etc. to represent your values. If you own the book, you can write in the changes. If you are borrowing the book, you can verbally change the words. Remember, in the absence of your influence, other influences will fill in and take over.
■ Observe your child Pay attention to how your child talks about their* stuffed animals. If most or all of the stuffed animals are male, it’s an opportunity to mention to your child that the world is full of female and male animals and that your home is part of that world. Then ask your child to think about which ones they'll make female. Avoid suggesting stereotypical reasons for deciding which animals are female, such as the one wearing a bow, with exaggerated eyelashes, wearing pink, the smaller one, wearing a dress, or because it's cute. Observe your child and you'll learn what messages they've already picked up about gender.
■ Look for bias When you’re visiting children’s venues, notice how animals are represented. Encourage people who run animals shows to be clear when a animal is a "she," as many times this is overlooked. They can also use "it" for every animal, which is easy and inclusive. Notice the adjectives used when describing the same behavior in different sexes of an animal. While a boy animal might be called "curious," a girl might be "nosy." A boy animal might be "strong" while a girl animal might be "cute."
If you’ve ever wondered what a gender constellation is, and how your child can use this tool to let people know how they describe themselves, watch this kid-friendly video from Authentic You.
the huge difference in clothes bought by parents of boys versus parents of girls.
I’m talking about leggings.
“I can’t control what’s in the store,” a parent might say. Or “It’s just leggings. Get over it.”
I say, parents’ purchases of leggings relate directly to what we say we crave: gender equity.
For better or for worse, leggings are turning up almost everywhere, in all kinds of situations. “Online purchases of leggings [in 2016] were up 41% over the year prior, with the volume of orders surpassing orders of denim.” 1 Many schools and businesses have felt the need to address leggings in their dress codes.
Yet boys are not given leggings to wear when they go to the playground, school, or to run around with friends.*
The disparity is telling us something.
Parents dressing their little girls in leggings and not their little boys are sending their kids the message, however unconsciously, that girls’ bodies are meant to be on display. They are perpetuating the attitude that a major part of a girl’s value is as a visual aesthetic for others’ enjoyment and consumption. They are offering up her young, toned body like a public commodity for anyone who chooses to look.
While the message about boys is that a boy’s value has very little to do with being a visual aesthetic for others. His body is private and owned by him alone.
With our clothing choices for our kids, we’re unintentionally raising our boys to expect girls to display their bodies for them and raising our girls to think they need to (or acquiesce to doing so).
These are problems, when you have the goal of gender equity.
As a solution, I propose everyone wears leggings.
Legging fans will tell you they’re comfortable, flattering, versatile, easy, and that their rear ends look great in them. If leggings’ virtues are so numerous, let’s stop being stingy about them and encourage everyone to wear leggings whenever they want.
No one needs to be excluded from their supposed benefits. The human body is indeed beautiful and no one needs to be excluded from showing it off.
If you are put off by my solution, you may be thinking:
“I don’t want to see boys in leggings.”
If so, consider what makes you uncomfortable about boys’ bodies or tight clothing on boys. Consider the messages you have been taught about boys. What message do you instead want to pass down to your children? Do you want your kids to think boys’ bodies are ugly, unwieldy or shameful—or that no one can enjoy gazing at a male body?
“Boys would never want to wear leggings.”
Think about how our culture has made it difficult for boys to feel good about wearing leggings. Perhaps you have made it difficult as well. Consider ways you could encourage boys to wear leggings. Remember, leggings are comfortable, easy, versatile, and so on.
“Boys’ genitalia make leggings impossible.”
How does shaming boys for their body parts or avoiding boys’ genitalia get in the way of our goal of gender equity? Consider what we could do differently that would make leggings possible for boys.
You might also be thinking that a piece of clothing doesn’t have a broader impact or that a piece of clothing doesn’t have anything to do with how we interact in the world.
When we choose our clothes for the day, we are recognizing, perhaps only unconsciously, that each piece of clothing is a unique experience, with specific qualities, and presents us in a certain way to the world. Scientists have also found that clothing communicates messages to the wearer as well as the observer. They’ve coined two terms, “embodied cognition” and “enclothed cognition,” to explain how our clothing influences us.
“Embodied cognition” recognizes that we think with our bodies as well as our brains, and that what we wear impacts how we interact with and view the world. If I’m wearing a tight-fitting tank top instead of a bulky sweater, part of my brain is aware that everyone around me can see my arms as well as the shape of my stomach, chest, and back. I may feel strong, weak, attractive, insecure, sexy, flabby, or fit when I think about you looking at my arms, stomach, chest or back. This awareness takes some of my attention and also influences how I act around you.
“Enclothed cognition” points out that we are influenced by the symbolic meaning of each article of clothing as well as the physical experience of wearing it. When I slip on a cashmere blazer I purchased at an elegant store, I am aware of the feel of the fabric, the careful details, the attentive customer service I experienced and the tailored professional look. I am aware of the people I have seen wearing blazers and their roles. The cashmere of the blazer may symbolize elegance and professionalism, so I feel more elegant and professional while I’m wearing it. I also feel its warm wool hugging my body and its soft cushion of fabric as I lean against my chair. Every article of clothing provides its unique experience to the wearer.
What we buy for our kids matters. Leggings are always a choice. If you buy and/or wear leggings, share the love.
* The few boys who do wear leggings are wearing them during exercise only, often under shorts, and then change into regular pants or shorts afterwards.
Action Steps
Look for Leggings For 7 days, look for leggings on everyone around you and focus on each person. Pay attention to the initial, lightning-fast thoughts that go through your mind when you see someone in leggings. Write them down and see what messages our culture has taught you.
Focus on Boys and Men One day this week, visualize every boy and man you see in leggings. Don’t rush this activity. Use your imagination and pay attention to detail.
Do a Switch When you see a woman and a man walking together, switch their outfits. Carefully imagine what their bodies would look like in each other’s outfit. Notice your thoughts and reactions. Do you feel indecent? Silly? Uncomfortable? Lecherous? Excited? Powerful? Ashamed?
What Do Our Clothes Say? On another day this week, take a look at the clothes you own. What changes would you like to make?
What Have We Been Buying? Take a look at your children’s clothing. What have you been purchasing? What could you start encouraging more of? What could you buy less of?
Try Something New If you usually wear leggings, research alternatives on the internet and experiment with them. Share what you like about them with your kids.
Leggings for All If you’re a man, buy a pair of leggings (if you don’t own them already) and wear them around the house. Notice your own experience of wearing them and the reactions of others. If you want to be bolder, wear them out in public. Again, notice your own experience and the reactions of others.
Share this post If you like something in this post, share the link with a friend or post on your favorite social media. Spreading this message helps build gender equity.
I got a bad feeling when I heard on the radio that the Boy Scouts of America would allow girls into their programs on October 11, 2017. You might think, why a bad feeling? Girls being allowed into an organization is a good thing, right? Yet from what I heard that day, it sounded as if the Girl Scouts were not considered in the Boy Scouts’ decision.
Since then, I’ve been doing some digging. Here’s my take on what I think parents need to know:
The Boy Scouts have shown a deep, fundamental disrespect for the inherent value, contributions, and efforts of women and girls by not collaborating fully with the Girl Scouts organization. more
There is a critical disconnect between the values the Boy Scouts claim to be teaching our kids and what the leadership is actually demonstrating. more
The Boy Scouts are basing their programming for girls on the concept of “separate but equal,” which the U.S. Supreme Court already ruled as “inherently unequal” back in 1954. more
The Boy Scouts haven’t done any soul searching to rectify the maligning of women and girls that was a significant part of their founding. more
No two girls are exactly alike, nor are two boys. What needs are not being met by viewing our kids solely through their biological sex/gender? more
I’ve identified problems that will happen moving forward because of these dynamics. more
The Boy Scouts have shown a deep, fundamental disrespect for the inherent value, contributions, and efforts of women and girls by not collaborating fully with the Girl Scouts organization.
The definition of respect includes (1) to have due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of, and (2) to avoid harming or interfering with.
The leadership of the Boy Scouts of America has failed at both of these.
More than 50 million girls and women have been involved in Girl Scouts since its founding over 100 years ago—and more than 2 million girls and women are currently involved. The Girl Scouts have been developing and honing their programming for girls the entire time, which includes leadership development and outdoor experiences.
It is respectful to collaborate with the Girls Scouts, as wanting to include girls in Boy Scouts’ programming will have an impact on the Girl Scouts’ organization. Collaborating with Girl Scouts is also just plain smart; they have a lot of expertise to draw upon.
There is a critical disconnect between the values the Boy Scouts claim to be teaching our kids and what the leadership is actually demonstrating.
Girl Scouts’ National Board of Directors’ President, Kathy Hopinkah Hannan, stated in a letter sent to Boy Scouts’ National Board of Directors’ President, Randall Stephenson, on August 21, 2017 (7 weeks before the radio announcement):
I am “deeply concerned about reports of aggressive posturing by Boy Scout leaders towards Girl Scout leaders…outlining the proposed girls program. This includes everything from disparaging and untrue remarks about Girl Scout programming, to subtle implications about the weakness of Girl Scouts’ long term market strength. Starting off any program when people are feeling bullied is not in keeping with the founding ideals of either Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts.”
Then “Hannan wrote that [the Girl Scouts] were ‘disappointed with the lack of transparency’ from BSA in testing the programs for girls and said that BSA refused to engage with Girl Scouts despite ‘repeated efforts.’ ”
I am writing on behalf of the Executive Committee of the National Board of Girls Scouts of the USA (GSUSA) as a follow-up to our call of August 16 regarding the Boy Scouts of America’s (BSA) covert campaign to recruit girls into programs run by the Boy Scouts. For more than 100 years, our organizations have worked in a respectful and complimentary manner, and we have been mutually supportive of one another’s mission to serve America’s youth. It is therefore unsettling that BSA would seek to upend a paradigm that has served both boys and girls so well through the years by moving forward with a plan that would result in fundamentally undercutting Girl Scouts of the USA. Despite our repeated efforts to engage you in open and honest dialogue about this matter, you delayed conversing with us until, seemingly, a decision was already made.
Hannan’s letter is carefully worded, as I presume she knew her letter would be made public. She would not use the word “covert” lightly and also states that the Boy Scouts “delayed conversing with us.” To date, on the BSA’s website, there is no apology or explanation.
Are these the kind of men we want our boys to become? Is this the treatment we want our girls to expect as women?
The Scout Law states a scout is “trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.” I do not see trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, or brave behavior in how the Boy Scouts treated the Girl Scouts.
The Scout Mission is “to prepare young people to make ethical and moral choices over their lifetimes by instilling in them the values of the Scout Oath and Scout Law.” I do not see ethical or moral behavior in how the Boy Scouts treated the Girl Scouts.
In our culture, we often have the tendency to side with a man’s version of events when they differ from a woman’s version. So, in this case, if the Boy Scouts are fine with how they handled themselves, then it needs to be fine with everyone. Yet in any conversation (or collaboration), if one person doesn’t feel heard or respected, that conversation is a failure.
The Boy Scouts’ disrespect is particularly alarming as they market themselves as the shaper of youth and future leaders. I do not want a leader who dismisses, ignores, or bulldozes the contributions, insights, needs, and wishes of women and girls, or any segment of the population. We need leaders who will move us toward a fairer, healthier, and more evolved world—not unilaterally make decisions that impact others without including those “others” in their decisions.
The Boy Scouts are basing their programming on the concept of “separate but equal,” which the U.S. Supreme Court already ruled as “inherently unequal” back in 1954.
It states “Scouts BSA will be single gender – all girl troops or all boy troops” in their “frequently asked questions” section of their website. This separating of people to avoid commingling was proven ineffective with segregation. As of this writing, we read on the Boy Scouts’ website’s homepage: “Welcome to the Boy Scouts of America.” Hmm, that doesn’t sound like an organization for girls to me.
While it’s obvious that Kathy Hopinkah Hannan was a girl herself, this is still fundamentally important. She knows what it feels like to grow up a girl in our culture. She writes about the Boy Scouts’ separate troops: “the inevitable reality will be that the experience is either co-ed [girls and boys in the same troop], or one in which one gender is relegated to the sidelines.”
The Boy Scouts haven’t done any soul searching to rectify the maligning of women and girls that was a significant part of their founding.
When the Boy Scouts of America was founded in 1910 “tensions between men and women were prevalent. ” 1
Around that time, “the majority of men went from predominantly owning and controlling their means of work to working outside the home.” 2 This meant men started working for “someone else,” another man who then had control over his work life. People saw men changing because of this and considered it a crisis in masculinity–and women were blamed.
To rectify this identified crisis, boys and men were intentionally separated from girls and women. “The revitalization of organizations for boys such as the Young Men’s Christian Association (YMCA) and the creation of the Boy’s Brigades, Knights of King Arthur and the Boy Scouts all served to reinforce [the] dominant [form of] masculinity.” “Men’s organizations also flourished with the rise of the lodge and male fraternity designed to organize against the ‘feminization’ of men.” 3
“There was widespread white male panic in the United States about the feminization of society and the need to preserve masculine toughness. From the creation of the Boy Scouts to Teddy Roosevelt’s Rough Riders, a public campaign tried to revitalize manhood as a cultural basis for revitalizing male-identified society and, with it, male privilege.” 4
According to Ernest Thompson Seton in 1910, one of the founders of the Boy Scouts in the United States and co-author of the first official handbook for Boy Scouts of America, “women were turning ‘robust, manly, self-reliant boyhood into a lot of flat chested cigarette smokers with shaky nerves and doubtful vitality.’ ” 5
The Boy Scouts’ sentiments toward women and girls are demonstrated in the numerous lawsuits against the Boy Scouts, ranging from women wanting to be scoutmasters (Boy Scouts of America v. Commission on Human Rights and Opportunities, 1987) to girls wanting to join (Yeaw v. Boy Scouts of America, 1997). The Boy Scouts fought against these girls’ and women’s wishes every time.
No two girls are exactly alike, nor are two boys. What needs are not being met by viewing our kids solely through their biological sex/gender?
When kids are grouped by their gender, they define themselves more by their gender (and all the stereotypes associated with it), feel more anxiety in mixed-gender situations, and have fewer friends of a different gender.
When an activity is single gender, sexism is nurtured as the activity creates an isolated, “green house” environment for tiny shoots of sexist thought to grow unchallenged and strengthen.
I’ve identified problems that will happen moving forward because of these dynamics.
Here are some example scenarios I thought of:
A girl troop needs a space at the same time that a boy troop needs it. What is the process for deciding who gets to use the space? Will the boy troop usually or always get preference? If not, will the boys be resentful? If so, will girls be learning “their place”–that they always come second to boys?
A woman troop leader has a strong disagreement with a man troop leader. What are the verbal conflict resolution steps that will be followed? Who will apply pressure? Who will expect to get their way? Who will be expected to give in? What harassment will the woman troop leader face if she doesn’t back down?
A girl is faster/stronger/smarter than a boy in some scouting event or activity. How will the other boys treat that boy scout? How will that boy scout feel? How will the girl scout be received by her male peers? What training will the troop leaders have had to role model and guide all the kids through these likely scenarios to avoid shame, stereotypes, and hostility.
When these girls and boys become adults, what will happen in these scenarios:
A young woman in a college dorm changes her mind about having sex with a young man she likes. Will she speak up? If she does, will he listen to her and stop? If he stops, will he be angry with her? Or will he accept that she is not on this planet to serve his wishes above her own?
A husband feels strongly about something that his wife has a different, equally strong feeling about. Will she need to cave in and will he expect her to? If she doesn’t cave in, will he be stunned and angry? Or worse?
What happens when it’s time to vote for a political candidate and one is a man and the other is a woman? Will a former scout ever be able to vote for a woman (instead of a man) in a top job even when she is more qualified?
If the Boy Scouts had approached their decision-making process with the goals of being both constructive and respectful they would have done one of these options:
Collaborated with the Girls Scouts to create a new program for families who want scouting for both their daughters and sons in one place. This would have respected each organization’s expertise; demonstrated innovation, mutually respectful leadership and teamwork; created an opportunity to invent a hybrid program using each organization’s strengths; and offered the solution some families are asking for. Families who wanted to remain with single-gender activities could stay with either scouting organization’s original programming.
Accepted the smaller number of boy scouts and concentrated on providing quality programming to those members, while also decreasing the Boy Scouts of America’s personnel, infrastructure and operations costs.
Created innovative programming to increase membership among boys. If I had my wish, their programming would include the development of empathy, verbal conflict resolution, an understanding of intersectionality, emotional intelligence, self-compassion, and the ability to tell the stories of the many unheralded women and girls who have contributed to our world.
Recognized, from the input of busy parents, or–even better–because they realize they’ve been misguided from the beginning, that there is a need for one scouting organization to serve all youth and start talks with the Girl Scouts about co-creating one. This would also involve having a new, inclusive name in place before the announcement.
By working with the Girl Scouts respectfully and effectively, the Boy Scouts would have demonstrated what productive leadership looks like. They would have shown their youth what it means to work together for the greater good of all.
To the Boy Scouts of America, it’s not too late. You can still demonstrate respect, teamwork, and humility. We all make mistakes. You can apologize, make amends, and start anew. The Boy Scouts and the Girl Scouts both have something worthy to contribute to our better future, and you can model for all of us how to make amends and collaborate.
1 Page 233 to 234, An Introduction to Masculinities by Jack S. Kahn
2 Page 233 to 234, An Introduction to Masculinities by Jack S. Kahn
3 Page 233 to 234, An Introduction to Masculinities by Jack S. Kahn
4 Page 229, The Gender Knot: Unraveling Our Patriarchal Legacy by Allan G. Johnson
5 Page 233 to 234, An Introduction to Masculinities by Jack S. Kahn
Action steps
1) If you agree, ask the Boy Scouts to publicly apologize to the Girl Scouts. Send a copy of your request to the Girl Scouts.
Boy Scouts https://www.scouting.org/about/contact-us/ Executive Team information https://www.scoutingnewsroom.org/about-the-bsa/national-leadership/
Girl Scouts https://www.girlscouts.org/en/contact-us/contact-us/customer-support.html Executive Team information https://www.girlscouts.org/en/about-girl-scouts/our-leadership/executive-team.html
2) Let both organizations know your thoughts on forming a new program that serves both girls and boys in the same troops (not separate troops).
3) If you are concerned about the Boy Scouts' ability to serve the public good, contact members of the U.S. House Committee on the Judiciary (the entity responsible for giving the Boy Scouts their Congressional Charter, Title 36).* Their phone number is (202) 225-3951 Their address is: U.S. House Committee on the Judiciary Committee Hearing Room 2141 Rayburn House Office Building Washington, D.C. 20515 https://judiciary.house.gov/contact Mail and phone are the best ways to reach them as Congressmembers only accept e-mails from residents of their districts.
* "Eligibility for a charter is based on a group’s activities, whether they are unique, and whether or not they are in the public interest," i.e. the welfare or well-being of the general public and society. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Congressional_charter
4) Think about the activities you participate in or watch. Do any of them exclude a gender? Even when we are not the organizers of such activities, we are contributing to them by being a participant, fan, customer, or spectator. If you believe in equality, how do you rationalize what you’re doing? Who benefits? Who misses out?
5) What activities do you have your children participate in that exclude a gender? What message is this sending them?
6) Research youth organizations that were founded with both girls and boys participating together. What message is that sending our children?
7) How is your decision-making? Are you making decisions that impact others without giving them opportunities to share their ideas and concerns? How could you be more inclusive in your decision making?
8) What can you do this week to be more inclusive? How will you remind yourself to do so?
Do you have a conversation that keeps coming back to you?
I do.
While on vacation, I briefly met a parent who was beaming from ear to ear. He was walking around as if he was the most amazing person in the room and his kids were the luckiest children in the world.
How wrong he was.
He was taking his two kids, ages 10 and 12, around the country to see Major League Baseball games in different stadiums over the summer.
I didn’t have the presence of mind at the time to calmly ask him in front of his kids, “Which female sporting events will you be attending on your trip?” and “Which female athletes are you excited to see on your trip?” Nor did I have the presence of mind to guide him into understanding the benefits of including an equal number of women’s sporting events on his vacation.
The next time this happens, though, I want to be more prepared.
Parents, it is not enough to say we value females and males equally. It is not enough for us to demonstrate our belief in gender equity in merely a few ways or on a road that is already paved for us, such as by watching the Olympics. We must demonstrate gender equity on a regular and continual basis, in every area of life—not just the convenient ones—for us to be believed. For our kids’ sake, we must be willing to clear a path where no one else is going, one step at a time, to create the paved road that others can follow.
Sports is a pivotal area for parents to take action. It is where many parents, who view themselves as fair and equity-minded, continue to permit, participate in and fuel blatant, damaging sexism.
It is abundantly clear that our culture hasn’t yet figured out a way to make sports truly inclusive, mixed or co-ed. It is also abundantly clear that there is no room in our sports culture right now for a male to publicly lose to a female in a sports competition and feel good about himself—and have other males feel good about him.
We cannot wait, though, until we have that figured out. We must support female athletics equally now, in every way, if we honestly want gender equity for our children and for ourselves. Because how we treat female athletes now impacts how we treat females in every other area of life—even if we are unwilling to acknowledge this.
How we have spent our time, money and other resources clearly has not worked. We need to start spending our resources differently, starting today, by spending them equally on female sports.
If that feels too hard for some of us, that shows the huge investment of time and money we each already spend on male sports. That time and money has been spent at the expense of others, the other half of the population. Starting today, we can each be fair, while still spending the same amount of money and time we did before.
If you support this, great. Next steps are below. If you still want nothing to do with this, I challenge you to read on.
Equal money
For every check, online payment or donation we make related to male sports, we need to make an equal payment or donation to a female league, team or organization from this list (link). This includes any expenses for our son’s sport activities (equipment, fees, clothing, etc.), our own athletic activities (if we’re male), amateur or professional teams we support, and any other expenses that fund male sports (concessions at the game, memorabilia, etc.). Ideally we want to include airline flights and lodging we purchase for out-of-town games/tournaments, as female athletes also need funds for transportation and lodging. However, if that feels too daunting to start with, we can focus on the other areas first. The goal is, however, to work towards including those purchases, too.
Pay special attention to the corporate sponsors of female leagues, tournaments and teams you follow. Write their Directors of Corporate Sponsorships at their headquarters to let them know you appreciate their financial support of your team, league or tournament. Consider becoming customers of those businesses.
Initially, it will take effort and new tools to remember to spend your money equally, such as sticky notes in our checkbook and on our credit cards. Over time, though, it can become a habit; one that feels great, as we will be truly part of the solution.
Why this matters
In our culture, if we want something to exist and grow, we need to spend our money on it. We truly vote with each of our wallets. When we buy a ticket, season tickets, or an entire section for the season, we are giving resources to what we value.
Money is essential to running a sports operation, and helping it become stronger and more noticeable. This investment catches the attention of businesspeople looking for new opportunities and new markets. They pay attention to where people are spending their money.
Once you take a close look at how your family has been spending its money, I am guessing you will be surprised at how much your family alone is spending on male sports.
Equal watching/Equal time
For the games and tournaments we watch on-screen (TVs, computers, hand-helds, etc.), we need to set aside time to watch the same amount for female sporting events. If we only have four hours on a weekend to watch, we need to commit half of those to watch women’s events.
With screens, we can bring female athleticism into our homes with close-up, multi-sensory experiences. Our kids can hear the excitement and respect in the commentators’ voices. Our kids can hear the enthusiasm of the crowd. Our kids can see the effort of the athletes and the determination on their faces.
This will help counteract the multitude of visuals and messages that oppose or demean female athleticism. If we record a game ahead of time, we can also skip the advertisements. If that’s not an option, we can mute the advertisements and have a quick chat during the commercial breaks. Or we can watch the commercials and talk about any that are notable for their positivity or negativity.
List of ways to watch women’s sports. (hyperlink)
Why this matters
Because our culture still forces kids into two strictly defined groups (girls and boys) and relates everything to being in one of those groups, girls need to see girls and women doing an activity, being admired for doing it, and being rewarded for doing it on a regular basis before they will truly think they can do it or want to commit to doing it themselves. If they see boys and men doing something, they may develop admiration for males but they won’t as readily want to do that activity, continue to do it or think they can do it. Showing both our daughters and sons that we watch women’s sports will help males respect and admire females and will help females invest themselves more fully in athletics.
To keep our daughters invested in athletics, we also need to give them experiences at every stage of their development with athletic female role models, on a frequent and consistent basis, who are admired and rewarded. As soon as they can sit and watch part of a game, we need to take them to see girls’ elementary, middle school and recreation department games. When they are in middle school, we need to take them to girls’ high school games. When in high school we need to take them to women’s college games. When in college we need to take them to women’s professional games. Throughout their childhoods, we can take them to women’s college and professional games at any time. If they end up being professional athletes, we can take them to watch other female professionals, as well as professional coaches, managers, commissioners and administrators. Our sons need to see all of these events, too, throughout their childhoods so they develop a deep, foundational respect and admiration for female athletes.
Equal live games
If you’re going to see a local men’s game, make sure you have tickets to see a women’s game soon in the area, too. Seeing a professional women’s game is ideal. If no professional team is nearby, then see a women’s college game. If you only have time to see a men’s game on a trip, consider not going to that game or make sure you have a female game lined up when you arrive home. Next time you plan a trip, plan to see a women’s game, too, or do a separate trip to see a women’s game.
If the ticket to a men’s live event costs more, donate the difference in money to a women’s league or organization from this list. If someone offers you free tickets to a men’s game and you decide to go, make sure you find a women’s game to go to and pay the necessary money to go see it. The women’s teams and leagues need attendees to pay for their tickets. If you’re given free tickets to a women’s game, make sure to invest your money in other ways, such as sending money to the Operations Department of the team. You can also give your free tickets to a friend who you want to inspire to join you in supporting female sports and then buy your own tickets.
If you take approximately 5 hours out of your day to watch a male sporting event, take approximately 5 hours another time for women’s sports. I understand that it’s not possible or fun to be so precise with your timing. However it’s not fair to spend 5 hours invested in a male game, including transportation, while you’re spending just an hour and thirty minutes on a female sporting event closer to home. We want to aim for equity and so in this case it would be good to see two female sporting events for the one male sporting event.
However when the disparity is too wide, it undermines the purpose of equity.
Why this matters
Teams benefit from the number of fans in attendance and the concessions and memorabilia you purchase. Your kids benefit from seeing the hundreds or thousands of people in attendance, people of all types, who are showing up to watch. It’s fun and affirming to be where everyone is excited about the game. Going to see live female sporting events isn’t merely about entertainment either. It’s about doing our part to bring equity to sports.
Equal clothing and memorabilia
For all the items you wear with a team, league, tournament or other male-sport focus on them, buy and wear an equal number for the female teams, tournaments and leagues listed here. (hyperlink) When you buy a new one related to male sports, buy a new one for female sports. These items include hats, sweatshirts, T-shirts, water bottles, bags, figurines, posters, etc. When you wear or use an item with a women’s sports team on it, be prepared for questions or comments you might hear when wearing the item. Consider ways to explain your purpose and inspire others to join you. Some examples are: I like supporting all athletes. I saw a great game this week; I like watching all athletes, I saw a great game this week; and I think sports are for everyone, I saw a great game this week.
Why this matters
What clothes do we buy and wear? We are walking billboards, whether we realize it or not. The words and graphics on our shirts communicate to everyone around us what we care about.
What do we display on our walls and shelves at home and at work? What do we still have from our childhoods? All these choices tell our children what we like, respect and value. When you show equal representation of females and males in these choices, you are sending an unmistakable message of gender equity. When you don’t, the message is clear that you don’t think females are truly the equals of males.
Instigate conversations equally
For every conversation you engage in about men’s and boy’s sports, add what you’re excited about in girls’ and women’s sports. You can bring up the plays, moves or strategies you enjoyed at a recent game or tournament. It helps to think of these before you show up to meet friends or family, so you’ll be more prepared to add them into the conversation. If it feels awkward at first to do this, that’s normal as it’s a new behavior. With practice it will start to feel more natural.
The responses you receive will be telling. People in your life may be negative, surprised, or enthusiastic. If you hear negative comments such as “Why are you talking about that?,” “Who cares?”, “What’s your problem?,” or “You see any hotties?” have some simple, generic responses ready such as, “It was a great game. You can come with me sometime” or simply “It was a great game.” Pay special attention to not making generalizations about female athletes or saying sexist or patronizing things. For example, instead of saying “the women’s game is more about fundamentals,” say “I saw both teams using all five players very strategically which was fun to watch. No single player hogged the ball.”
Why this matters
Women and girls need to be part of our conversations. When we avoid talking about female athletes and female sports, we are acting like they don’t exist, making them invisible in our day-to-day lives, and definitely not giving them the respect they deserve. If we talk about female athletes every day with excitement and respect, we are literally changing the conversation around sports to be more equitable. Each conversation you have matters. When we speak up, we are showing people how to have equitable conversations so they will be a little bit less hesitant to bring up female sporting events in their own conversations. Talking about female sports is also fun and will increase our enjoyment. As what we focus on grows, every respectful conversation we have about female athletes makes them more present in people’s minds.
Equal enthusiasm and respect
We need to express, in front of our kids, genuine enthusiasm for girl and women athletes and sporting events on a regular basis. To increase genuine feeling, it can help to write down what we are truly excited about and respect about female sports and female athletes, in our area and in other parts of the U.S. We can ask, “What do we respect about this athlete?” and “What do we like about the sport she is playing?”
We also need to notice any sexism that comes up in our answers and focus on the non-sexist parts. For example, if we write down that we like seeing their fit bodies in tiny uniforms, only notice their grace and beauty, are uncomfortable with what we see and think “who does she think she is?” or claim “she’s too muscular,” we need to redirect our focus toward the athletes’ dedication, teamwork, courageousness or other qualities we admire. These can include their speed, strength, skill, effort and strategic thinking. Social media gives us another way to let people know what we’re enthusiastic about and respect.
Why this matters
Kids pick up on what we’re truly enthusiastic about, what we are doing reluctantly, and what we resent. They notice our facial expressions, tone of voice, body language and word choices, so developing genuine respect for female athletes and the sports they’re involved in is essential. If we want our kids to care, we need to care.
Helping your child
I witnessed a father bring his daughter to a family and friends touch football game without ever teaching her how to throw or catch a football. His lack of guidance and information would set anyone up for failure, embarrassment and a negative experience. Our daughters deserve better.
Spending time teaching our daughters the skills for prominent sports is very important, particularly the sports we enjoy. They need to learn from us how to throw and catch a football, baseball, softball, basketball, etc. We need to teach them how to kick a soccer ball and other sports’ skills. We can have fun teaching them and include positive friends, neighbors and family members in games.
If you’re a female parent, figure out a way to coach your children’s teams. It may mean trusting your experience or learning a bit more before the season starts. There are several resources for coaches, including Positive Coaching Alliance. Our kids need to see more women as coaches.
Why it’s important
Developing all of these sports’ skills will help our daughters truly know that they are capable of doing every single sport, even if our culture does not allow for that right now.
The extra encouragement, information and consistency we can provide are also essential to counteract the countless negative messages and images our daughters hear and see from other people and the media. Messages they learn include “Girls can’t play football,” “Girls can’t hit a baseball,” and “Girls just aren’t athletic enough.” We’ve heard many variations of these messages, for practically every sport.
Our children don’t have to literally hear these messages to pick them up either. All they need to do is look around. They’ll see only males on the field, only male athletes on TV, and the people around them wearing clothing only for male teams.
We will also need to continue to support our daughters when they participate in sports camps, clinics and on teams, as some coaches and teachers undermine our positive messages with their lowered expectations, dumbed-down instruction and tepid enthusiasm.
Children having female coaches gives them experience with the knowledge and ability of female athletes. The increase in female teams gave many males more coaching opportunities. Females need to step up into those roles.
As our daughters grow up, they start to pay more attention to how many male athletes are celebrated versus female athletes and they, of course, start to lose interest. We can change that. We can increase our daughters’ interest and commitment to their athletic selves with our own interest and commitment to their athletic selves. Also if our daughters have already been turned off to sports, we can reintroduce them respectfully back into the enjoyment of sports.
Equal reading
Start paying attention to how lopsided sports reporting is. Notice the prominence and quantity of the stories featuring males. Write sports editors and reporters and let them know that you want to see more female sports reported. Let them know the specific women’s sporting events, leagues, tournaments and games you want more coverage on. Find articles you like on women’s sports, share them through social media and e-mail them to people you know who may be interested. Write the journalists and commentators who cover women’s sports and let them know you like what they’re doing. They can pass your comments along to other decision-makers.
Why this matters
When we make the effort to read more about female athletes, our respect and enthusiasm for them will grow. We’ll also become more aware of the disparity in sports coverage, want to speak up to change it, and uncover favorite sources we can recommend to others. Our kids notice what we’re reading and knowledgeable about, so they’ll believe our commitment to gender equity more when we do this.
Conclusion
By spending our resources equally on female sports, we will be showing our children that we really do value the effort and skills of female athletes equally. Every purchase, donation, conversation, and effort will help. It’s fun, inspiring, and interesting to follow athletes, games, leagues and tournaments, and we can have that same enjoyment with female sports.
In the conversation I referred to earlier, I remember the son making eye contact with me and the daughter looking down when their father was talking. That is very telling. The son clearly felt a part of something that is respected and heralded, and the daughter did not. Both children showed the impact the trip was having on them. I can only imagine the impact this trip has had on their sibling relationship. Overall, we can do better for our kids, whether we have daughters or not.
Action steps
Pick a step below to start with, make a plan to do it, and reward yourself once you’ve accomplished it. When you’re ready, do another step, reward yourself, repeat and so on. Every step you make helps.
Go to your local teams’ and leagues’ online calendars and put their games and tournaments on your own calendar. (Link to list of links for leagues’ and teams’ calendars.) Find one to go to and make a plan so you can be there. When at the game or tournament, enjoy yourself. If there are no professional team games you can attend, find the games’ schedule for the colleges near you. If there are no colleges, find the high school next to you. Attend one game, then another, and so on.
Buy a T-shirt, sweatshirt or hat for a team or league you want to support and wear it proudly. Be ready with an explanation of why you’re wearing it. People need to hear the “why.”
Look at last month’s checking account withdrawals or your last credit card statement and find expenses that support men’s sports in some way. Note the amount and make an online payment (or send a check) to your favorite team or organization from this list. For this month, send donations or payments as you make them.
Find a team or tournament to watch on your TV, computer or handheld (from list) and find a specific game or event to watch. Sit back and enjoy.
Find a cable channel that shows women’s sports and call a restaurant you like that also has a TV. Ask the manager if they have that cable channel. Then request that they show a certain game and invite friends and family who are supportive to watch the game with their kids at the restaurant with you.
Talk with a restaurant about showing one of the games on all of their TVs and have a group of people you know come watch with their kids.
Find an article online about a local women’s or girls’ team and share what you liked about the article with a friend or family member.
Share something you enjoyed about a recent women’s or girls’ game in a conversation.
Think about a sport you’d like to share or improve your skills in and invite your child to do it with you.
Share a story or experience related to women’s or girls’ sports that is inspiring and share it with your children.
“The circuits of the brain are quite literally a product of your physical, social, and cultural environment, as well as your behavior and thoughts. What we experience and do creates neural activity that can alter the brain, either directly or through changes in gene expression.” ¹
More than scientists previously realized, we have the opportunity to shape our kids’ brains.
“[Our] job as a parent is critical,” explains Christia Spears Brown, Ph.D., author of Parenting Beyond Pink & Blue. “Experiences make all the difference.”²
If we want to maximize our children’s full potential during the infant and preschool years, we want to keep their brains open to the widest variety of development. Such growth comes from diverse experiences. “It is important to help strengthen [all of] our children’s important synapses so that they don’t get eliminated.” ³
If we introduce gender too soon, which severely limits expected skills, talents, affinities, life goals, and emotional expression, “kids lose the ability to do all they were born capable of doing.” ²
Preschool books with gender equity counter that by giving kids a chance to enjoy reading without encumbering it with gender. With these books, we can more easily refer to characters as “a child,” “the kid,” “the little person, “a big person,” “the parent,” “the grown-up,” “the big giraffe,” and so on. The books with gender equity that do show people with different gender expressions, show them interacting with mutual respect–creating a vision in our kids’ minds of a world with gender equity.
Books rated high for gender equity help by:
1) Keeping gender secondary so we can focus on developing all of our kid’s potential and sharing the main ideas of the book.
2) Providing room to compensate for the over-representation of one gender over another. In one day alone, our child may hear:
The librarian referring to both the stuffed dog and stuffed penguin in the children’s area as “he.”
Your friend calling the turtle in a book a “he,” and then a dinosaur toy in your hand a “guy.”
Song after song with “he,” “him,” and “his.” One might be “No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed” with every single monkey being a “he” and the only female being a “Mama,” followed by “was his name-o” over and over in “B-I-N-G-O,” and then the repetitive “and on his farm he had a…” in “Old MacDonald.”
The preschool teacher referring to the hand puppet as “he.”
The parent next to you referring to the toy car as “this guy.”
Being addressed multiple times as a “guy,” with grown-ups saying, “Hey, guys.”
The preschool teacher referring to the skeleton in the classroom as a “he.”
3) Allowing us more flexibility to keep gender secondary, even after kids are aware of the concept of gender.
4) Offering an example of people, with different gender expressions, interacting with mutual importance, skill, and respect.
5) Providing books that, once our kids can read, support our desire to keep gender secondary. (While we can change the words of any book before kids recognize words, we are not able to do that once they become readers themselves.)
The Equity 8™ tool, using eight criteria (listed below), helps parents find preschool books that reduce the emphasis on gender and promote gender equity.
Criterion 1: Did the author tell the entire story without mentioning gender?
Merely by mentioning gender in a book we send the message that gender is someone’s most important quality and awaken gender stereotypes our child has learned elsewhere. By not mentioning gender, our child is able to fully experience the lessons and messages of the story, which might be: friends can have conflict and work things out, sometimes we are sad and that’s okay, our imaginations can come up with amazing adventures, etc.
Criterion 2: Did the artist illustrate the entire story without contributing to gender stereotypes?
What we see matters. When our kids see illustrations featuring stereotypes (such as girl characters with exaggerated eyelashes or wearing something pink, and boy characters wearing blue or ball caps), they get the message that girls must look and act certain ways and boys must look and act certain ways.
Criterion 3: Is there counter stereotyping?
Showing the opposite of a stereotype is a powerful way to erode it. Examples are showing a boy happily cuddling a baby or a girl swinging a bat with expert skill. Another way a book can counter stereotypes is by not mentioning gender. This puts gender in the background where it belongs.
Criterion 4: Are kids with different gender representations interacting with mutual respect, skill, and admiration?
Toddlers reading books that contain both girls and boys positively interacting, working, and playing together learn to do this in real life. When boys mostly read books with only boy main characters, they do not learn enough about interacting with mutual respect with girls. When girls only read books with either boy main characters or girl main characters, they do not learn enough about how to interact with boys with confidence.
Criterion 5: Does the girl character have agency?
Having agency is a powerful way to demonstrate that girls make things happen with their bodies and with their brains. It can be demonstrated by showing a girl’s body in motion, seeing her straining her muscles with exertion, and making things happen through her efforts. We need both girls and boys to know that girls are important contributors. Too many books have girl characters merely standing, sitting still, or being observers of boys’ more interesting antics. We need illustrations of girls that show their muscles, and that demonstrate them using their bodies to push, pull, climb, sprint, jump, and so on. We also need books that show girls making something happen through their efforts, such as building a birdhouse, moving rocks for a fort, rolling a wheelbarrow of toys, shooting a basketball, rescuing a friend, and so on.
Criterion 6: Does the book’s story represent any of the Guiding Principles?
The Guiding Principles of Gender Equity Parenting focus on qualities in people that make the world more equitable and fuel gender equity. Seeing these traits demonstrated in a story helps children learn more about them.
Criterion 7: Are girls the main characters or do they share the spotlight equally with boy characters?
Too many books don’t have girl characters at all (particularly those read by boys) or only have them as secondary characters when boys are present. We need books with girls as main characters (that boys also read) and, even better, books with girls and boys both as main characters. This way both girls and boys learn that girls are equally important contributors in life.
Criterion 8: Is the writer and/or illustrator a woman?
Historically women have been underrepresented among writers, illustrators, and publishers. Yet they are half the population. By staying aware of who created a book, we can continue to ensure that women’s voices are heard and fairly represented.
Action steps
1) Look over this list of preschool books rated with the Equity 8™ tool. Each book title links to a chart detailing its rating. In some charts, there are tips on how to make the most of that book.
2) Enjoy the highly rated Equity 8™ books (6 stars or higher). (Buy or borrow them from the library.) Read them, before sharing them with your kids, and notice your experience as you read them. Then share them with your kids. (Note: as children pick up on our level of authentic enthusiasm with everything we do, be aware of yours when reading.)
6) To find out more about introducing gender to kids, read the answer in the FAQ section to: “My toddler is learning words, including important ones to identify gender. I'd appreciate suggestions on approaching this learning phase.”
7) Share this post with the people in your life who care about kids.
8) Sign up as a subscriber to this site. As a group, we can influence publishers, writers, and illustrators to create more books with gender equity.
* “Their” and “they” used as singular pronouns.
1 Delusions of Gender: How Our Minds, Society, and Neurosexism Create Difference, Cordelia Fine, page 236
2 Parenting Beyond Pink & Blue: How to Raise Your Kids Free of Gender Stereotypes, Christia Spears Brown, Ph.D., page 103
3 Parenting Beyond Pink & Blue: How to Raise Your Kids Free of Gender Stereotypes, Christia Spears Brown, Ph.D., page 107
We can control 100% of what comes out of our mouths: the words we say.
We can use words that really and truly include everyone such as “Hi, Everyone” or “Hi,” instead of saying “Hi, Guys” or “You guys.”
“Guys” is a “gendered term,” meaning it links to one gender while excluding everyone else.
The impact of using gendered terms is damaging, particularly when the gender referred to has a long history of holding positions of power over others (and in many contexts still does).* “Verbal communication is one of the most powerful means through which sexism and gender discrimination are perpetrated and reproduced,” explain Michela Menegatti and Monica Rubini in their research published by Oxford University Press.
Gendered terms “are not neutral.”
“They make women [and girls] disappear in mental representations,” making the first and automatic assumption in our brains a male. This impacts whose opinion seems more accurate, who is viewed as deserving that raise, who just seems “right” for the job, and so on.
Some of us know all this and still keep using “guys” to address groups of people. What could our reasons be?
We insist that when we say it, we mean everyone (regardless of how the recipients feel).
We think it’s not important enough to change. We’re more concerned with problems like the gender wage gap, the disparity of female CEOs, etc. (Yet our words shape our thoughts; us tolerating words that don’t really include girls and women mirrors us tolerating men being promoted over women, boys being groomed for leadership and girls being groomed for subservience, and so on.)
We’re okay with the word “guys,” so everyone else needs to be fine with it, too. It’s their problem, not ours. (Would we also say that about words connected to race?)
We don’t want to change what we’re doing as that feels hard, might be uncomfortable, or take daily attention. Other people can do that.
We’re fine with women and girls being invisible and being overshadowed by men and boys.
We tried to not say “guys,” but it didn’t work.
Or could it be?:
We’re fine with the harmful consequences of gendered terms, such as boys growing up to think they are the main characters of life and girls and women are merely their supporting cast; girls learning to defer to boys whenever they have a disagreement (and boys expecting them to); or a man being given the benefit of the doubt over a woman’s perspective every time; and so on.
We want to say whatever we want regardless of the impact on other people. That is our freedom and our right. (Would we also say that about words connected to race?)
We desire being liked by patriarchal-minded men more than our desire for equality for women and girls.
Do we see ourselves in these reasons? Is there a disconnect between our words and what we say we believe? Is that who we want to be?
To make this change work, we need to apply ourselves. We need to practice using the new term over and over again. We need to use it intentionally multiple times a day as we talk to people, so that it has a chance to become automatic. It may feel awkward at first or hard. This is a normal part of changing our behavior. The staff at the Mayo Clinic Healthy Living Program report it takes 18 to 200 repetitions to form a habit. Intentional repetition works, and this is a very worthwhile habit to instill.
Once we pick our new word, how will we remind ourselves to use it?
Keep a small card in our pocket that explains our commitment. Have more on hand to give people who address groups we are in as “guys.”
Put sticky notes where they’ll be most helpful.
Set an alarm on our phone.
Put a sticker on our phone.
Carry a small token in our pocket or hand (a smooth rock, a shell, a coin, etc.).
Ask for friendly reminders from others.
Repeat the new word over and over in our minds.
Use the new word every time we greet or address a group of two or more people.
Making change is possible. We’ve done it before for other things.
This change is worthwhile and necessary if we care about gender equity. Every time we use inclusive words to address people, we are weakening sexism and fueling fairness. How will you use your words today?
*Four examples of the overrepresentation of one-half of the population and the underrepresentation of the other half:
1) Who is telling the stories that shape us?
Below are the five companies that dominate the media content that exists in the world. As women are half the population, are they represented fairly with 50% of their Boards and Executive Teams?
Time Warner. 20% of Board, 27% of Executives, men head both groups
Disney. 44% of Board, 21% of Executives, men head both groups
News Corporation. 27% of Board, 45% of Executives, men head both groups ; 22% of Leadership
Viacom. 55% of Board. (Excellent work with the Board, Viacom), 30% of Executives, men head both groups
Bertelsmann of Germany. 0% of Board, 37% of Executives, men head both groups
6) Speak up (using using nonviolent communication skills) when people address a group with “guys,” and give them an alternative. Here are two sample strategies for speaking up.
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