Is watching football the harmless pastime it claims to be?

Is watching football the harmless pastime it claims to be?

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Having time to relax is important. Sharing what we enjoy with our kids can be valuable. Yet is football the answer?

Football:

  • excludes half the population who could be playing it.* (more)
  • restricts girls and women to subservient roles. (more)
  • perpetuates the emphasis on girls and women as visual aesthetics for boys and men. (more)
  • raises our kids to think that boys deserve to be the center of attention and girls deserve to watch. (more)
  • maligns girls and women to incite aggressive behavior in boys and men. (more)

It’s time for parents, coaches, and managers to call an end to excluding girls and women from playing football. Without girls’ and women’s involvement, football perpetuates and strengthens harmful mindsets, leading to damaging behaviors off the field; some of which are dreadfully serious.

Football excludes half the population who could be playing it.

If you are a girl or a woman (or know a girl or a woman) who doesn’t ever want to play football, that’s fine. If you are a girl or a woman who thinks you will never have the size or physical ability needed to play football, that’s fine. Own that choice. It is yours to make. However, do not rationalize your choice by saying it’s because you’re a girl or a woman. If you look for them, you’ll see plenty of women who are solidly built, broad, or husky. You’ll see women who are powerfully athletic, strong, and capable. You’ll also see women who are taller than you.

Be honest about your own reasons. Such as:

  • you’ve never lifted heavy weights to strengthen your body.
  • you’ve never done 20 wind sprints in one morning to develop speed.
  • you’ve never learned to shove, grab, and push others out of your way effectively.
  • you’re 5’0” and 99 pounds.
  • you’ve never practiced throwing or catching a football the correct way until it became second nature.
  • you’ve never done the hustle needed to be at your physical peak.
  • you’ve never learned to fight for something with your whole being.

Make it for whatever reason is unique to you. Never, though, make it because you’re a girl or a woman. If you make that your excuse, such as by saying, “Women just don’t have the strength,” “Girls aren’t big enough,” or “Women aren’t aggressive enough,” you are throwing all girls and women under the bus for something that is your individual reality, preference, and/or choice. And you would be wrong. There are countless women and girls who could play tackle football. There are girls and women who can be aggressive in sports, particularly if they’re given the opportunity. Some girls and women are already playing tackle football well, even without the excessive and continual support and resources given to boys and men (Women’s Football Alliance and Utah Girls Tackle Football).

There is countless evidence that girls and women have been undervalued for their physical abilities and still are.

Women alive today weren’t allowed by the men handling sports programs in the 1950’s (such as those in the National Federation of State High School Associations, aka NFHS), to run the full court in a basketball game. They were also not allowed to bounce the ball more than once. Even today in 2020 the board of directors of the NFHS is egregiously missing the 50% representation on their board that would reflect the actual student population. Women and men need to be making decisions together for girls and boys, not just men.

As author Chris Crowley states, “There was a time in this nation when there was a serious body of thought that exercise was bad for women. My very own mother [Lurana] experienced it. One day, [around] 1900 or 1902, when mother was six or eight, she came home to this serious scene. Her mother and a [male] acquaintance were waiting for her in the formal parlor of [her home]. Because, as the man had told my grandmother, ‘I saw Lurana running this morning.’ He thought my grandmother ought to know. She was told not to do it anymore. In the fifty years I knew [my mother], I never saw her do a single athletic thing. Not one.” ¹

This restricting of girls and women would be ridiculous and hilarious if it wasn’t so tragic. Think of the thousands (millions, really) of girls and women who have been robbed of opportunities to express their athletic ability, feel the sense of accomplishment and joy that comes from playing sports, and gain awareness of how truly capable their bodies are. We have all been robbed of the ways girls and women could have been contributing to the development of athletics since our country’s beginning.

For those of us who say we don’t want girls and women to be hurt as the reason we don’t want them playing football, we are deluding ourselves. Girls and women are hurt every day by certain boys and men because we teach them that girls and women are their subordinates to be used as they wish–not their peers, teammates, or equals. We segregate them from girls and women as much as we can until we want them to date, and then we wonder why date rape and other forms of assault happen. Also the activity we channel girls and women towards, “cheerleading[,] is by far the most perilous sport for female athletes in high school and college, accounting for as much as two-thirds of severe school-sports injuries over the past 25 years.”

The landmark Title IX ruling was to give girls and women access to the athletics they had been denied, not to give a legal loophole to certain men so they can run a men’s only or boys’ only club that still receives federal funding. “No person in the United States shall, on the basis of sex, be excluded from participation” is Title IX language.

Football restricts girls and women to subservient roles

Girls and women haven’t just been excluded from playing football and freed up to be the center of attention in another sport or activity. They’ve been directed into a secondary, side-line role at the football field:  cheerleading.

Cheerleaders may be athletic, gifted, and skilled, but they will always be second to the players. Because that is what they are there for:  to support the boys and men on the football team.

As the National Federation of State High School Associations states on its website, “The cheerleading team is the connection between the fans and the athletic team. The energy and enthusiasm produced by the crowd can rally a sports team to play better and boost overall morale. It is the cheerleading team’s task to unify the crowd in its efforts.”

Football perpetuates the emphasis on girls and women as visual aesthetics. 

If cheerleaders wore the most comfortable and practical clothes for being outside in autumn weather, they would be wearing pants, flexible fabrics, and layers. They would be keeping their entire body, including their legs, warm.

But the girls and women who cheerlead are not given pants to wear (in high school, college or in the professional league).

If the girls and women in cheerleading didn’t wear such revealing clothes, we would automatically focus more on their skills. Football culture however wants us to treat girls and women as visual accessories to the action displayed by football players.  Cheerleaders’ clothing shows off the shape of their bodies and bare skin. At the NFL level, where football culture is at its peak, outfits are stripped down to even less, so our eyes automatically go to a cheerleader’s chest, stomach, crotch, legs, and rear end, hardly noticing her dance moves. She is exposed for boys and men to view as they wish. They can watch her hungrily or not give her a second look. They hold the power of choice; she does not. She is exposed for their whims. 

NFL cheerleaders are also held up as the ideal woman in football culture. We are rarely told their names or their stories (as those are clearly not important in football culture). Yet we know the details of their bodies. As the TV camera sweeps past their eerily similar bodies and faces (when compared to the variety that exists in the world), the underlying message is clear:  these ideal women are as highly regarded as women will ever be and they are happy to be relegated to the sidelines, supporting whatever men are doing, wearing tiny outfits, being uncomfortable in cold weather, smiling, and dancing around. (When you dig deeper, you find they are also “happy” to be paid low wages and receive few perks for their efforts. Another message is that this is what even the best women are worthy of. They are fulfilled being near men doing things and waiting to have the male gaze upon them, even for the briefest of moments, to validate their purpose in life. Football culture is saying, “Attention girls and women of the world:   know your place, because this is it.” (“Boys and men, listen up, too, so you can keep football culture going by being fans and tolerating this.”)

Football raises our kids to think that boys deserve to be the center of attention and girls deserve to watch.

By literally putting boys and men in the center of attention as the main event and preventing girls and women from joining in–and then relegating girls and women to a supporting role on the side of the field, we are unquestioningly teaching our kids the stark messages that boys and men do great deeds, we all need to watch them, girls and women don’t do great deeds, and boys and men don’t need to watch girls and women do anything. (The only way some men do line up to watch women is when they take off their clothes, whether the women are working on their PhDs or paying for their kids’ tuitions.)

These experiences from the football field feed how kids act in school, who steps up to lead group projects and who doesn’t, who expects to be listened to and who submits to listening, who expects to win elections and who helps on the campaign, who asks for what he wants in a relationship and who keeps her needs to herself, who believes they are capable of greatness and who doesn’t, and on it goes. 

Football culture fuels girls and women acting passively around boys and men, and leads boys and men to expect them to. When girls and women are not, conflict happens. The boys and men most influenced by football culture will more likely resolve conflict with aggression and physical force.

Football culture maligns girls and women as a tool to incite aggressive behavior in boys and men.

The coaches and parents who drill football-culture messages into players’ heads incite boys’ and men’s aggression, strength, and power by demonizing girls and women–defining them as weak and having no place on the football field. This emphasis on aggression and physical force to get results combined with their claim of superiority over girls and women oozes off the football field and into our lives. Spectators who merely watch the game are influenced. There is “significant and robust evidence that football game days increase reports of rape victimization among 17 [to] 24-year-old women by 28 percent. Home games increase reports by 41 percent on the day of the game and away games increase reports by 15 percent. These effects are greater for schools playing in the more prominent subdivision of Division 1 and for relatively prominent games.”

Certain men connected with football also want us to think that assault and sexual assault inflicted by football players are unusual. Even people in charge of the media choose to use words like “stunned” and “shocked” when reporting yet another assault case. What pattern do you see after reading the high-school stories below? Warning:  explicit content.

(In Maryland) “Several junior-varsity football players pinned a teammate in a locker room, pulled his pants down and sexually assaulted him with a broomstick.”

(In Ohio) Two football players used their fingers to penetrate the genitals of a 16-year-old girl, who one referred to as “like a dead body,” “while she was so drunk that she lacked the cognitive ability to give her consent for sex” and posted it on social media. Then a football player circulated another picture of “her lying naked in a basement with…semen on her body.” This assault was “proof as well, some community members said, that Steubenville High School’s…football team held too much sway over other teenagers, who documented and traded pictures of the assault while doing little or nothing to protect the girl.”

(In Oklahoma) Four football players “confessed verbally and in written statements to participating in the assault of [a younger football player] with [a] broomstick.” A student “witnessed the victim being carried from the freshman side of the locker room to the varsity side. The witness said he then saw someone ‘grab a broomstick and shove the stick up [the victim’s] rectum.’ ”

(In New Jersey) “Seven Sayreville players were charged with hazing and sexual assault of four teammates in the high school’s locker room.” A player confides that there was “ ‘a  pattern of ritualistic abuse and bullying’ against younger members of the team.”

(In Connecticut) Two “members of the…football team have been charged in sexual assault cases involving different 13-year-old girls”

(In Illinois) A teen during football camp was “standing in a line during practice when the four upperclassman tackled him, stripped him of his shorts and held him down while one of the teens sexually assaulted him.”

(In California) “Four football players were cited for the assault on a…teammate and that the assault occurred after practice in a locker room.”

(In Michigan) A high school football coach (and teacher) had a sexual relationship with a 16-year-old student. There was “evidence [that] Stewart ‘furnished alcohol to students at parties,’ created a ‘sexually charged and hostile learning environment,’ propositioned another student and ‘threatened a student with physical harm because the student had told Mr. Stewart to leave high school girls alone.’ ”

(In Arizona) A “football player [is] accused of physically and sexually attacking some of his teammates.”

Some of the incidences above are football players sexually assaulting other players. Football culture breeds this behavior. The maligning of girls and women as weak and inferior combined with suppressing the unaccepted feelings of boys and men (those categorized under “weakness”:  sadness, fear, insecurity, hurt, and disappointment) create a volatile mix. Suppressed feelings don’t go away; they remain buried until a situation triggers their sudden release in uncontrolled ways.

In the Journal of Health and Social Behavior, Debra Umberson, Kristi Williams and Kristin Anderson explain, “repressed emotion plays a role in triggering violent episodes.” “Certain groups…emphasize violence as an acceptable way to express feeling and solve problems” and violent acts are linked to men who “devote considerable energy to controlling and avoiding emotion.”

Repressed feelings find the path of least resistance for expression, which among football players, is through aggression and anger. Unhinged, aggression and anger become violence. Any football player who shows weakness in this environment becomes a potential trigger for others and a target.

These perpetrators of sexual assault are “saying” to their boy victims:

“You are such scum, you are the worst of the worst. You are so weak, you are like a girl, a woman, so we will treat you like one. This is what we do to girls and women.” 

“It’s truly astounding how many awful things that occur in this world because men are afraid of appearing weak,” says Deandre Levy, linebacker and free agent in the NFL. “We’re considered models of masculinity, which is at the very root of a lot of these issues.”

“Man up! You pussy! Grow a pair!”

“These are insults that are so commonplace,” shares Levy. Revealing is that these comments are not gender neutral, such as “Suck it up.”  Every single one is connected to maligning women and girls (as threats to being competent, strong, powerful, or valuable). Even when coaches themselves don’t say the insults and harassing statements, they create an environment where this thinking festers and look the other way when players inflict it on each other. 

As former NFL quarterback Don McPherson explains, “We don’t raise boys to be men [in football culture]. We raise boys to not be women or gay men. We don’t affirm what a loving man is. … [Football players are] not supposed to…care or love or be sensitive, and it’s all utter BS because we are all these things.”

The number of rapes, assaults, and other crimes committed by just one college football team is described in Scoreboard, Baby:  A Story of College Football, Crime, and Complicity.

At the professional level, what does football culture create?

Former NFL player accused of “drugging of two women so he could rape them…similar allegations involve as many as 16 victims in four states.”

Former NFL player “faces charges of raping a hitchhiker, forced oral copulation with the same hitchhiker and sodomizing the same homeless woman he was convicted of raping. He also faces charges of raping an unconscious woman in 2003.”

A free agent with the NFL “accused of raping a woman who worked as his trainer.”

NFL football player “accused of sexually assaulting a dancer…at a nightclub.”

“Former NFL Network [employee] alleges she was subjected to repeated instances of sexual harassment by retired players and network executives,” including being pinned “against a wall and demanded that she perform oral sex.”

An employee with the NFL Network claims a former NFL player “rubbed his genitals against her, grabbed her ass, and harassed her via private Instagram messages.”

Don McPherson says, “If my power as a man lies in my privilege over women, or my privilege to be identified as a hyper-masculine football player, I denounce that power. That’s not power to me.” “That’s a privilege that comes from oppression.”

Now is the time to stop the parts of football culture that lead to violence off the field:  (1) excluding girls and women from playing, (2) maligning them as weak and inferior, and (3) using them as a hostile motivational tool to incite aggressive behavior. We need to demand leagues, coaches, and managers use healthier ways to create competitive teams, and open up the game to girls and women as players, coaches, and managers. Like many sports, the game of football can be exciting and fun. The hype around a game:  the crowds, the bands, the cheers, the drum core, and the half-time show can also add to the excitement. Let’s make these needed changes and give our athletic kids the opportunity to strive, execute strategy, and surmount obstacles together. Only then can they learn to rely on each other as capable teammates, friends, and allies.

Action steps

Don’t stay silent
1) Contact one or more of these groups:
- your local flag football league
- your local high school
- your local college
- your local pro team
and let them know that you want girls and women involved in football as players, coaches, and managers. Ask how you can help and help them.

2) Contact the decision-makers at the organizations below (click on each link for more information). Let them know what actions you’re taking until they make these changes (not buying tickets, etc.), and what actions you want them to take.

Youth football clubs (There are many of these. Here are two of them.)
Pop Warner
Pacific Youth Football League

Middle schools (School Superindendents Association)

High schools (National Federation of State High Schools Association)

Colleges, universities, and the professional league
NAIA
NCAA, Division III
NCAA, Division II
NCAA, Division I
Professional level

Start a solution
1) Start a clinic for women on coaching football skills and managing teams. Recognize that participation may be low at first because of our society’s previous messages. Continue to spread the word. Find positions for the “graduates” of your clinic.
2) Start a skills clinic for girls. Recognize that the participation may be low at first because of our society’s previous messages. Continue to spread the word and find like-minded people.

Look for visual representation
Look for signs publicizing “youth” flag football leagues and request that they show girls in all their materials and on signs.

Recruit
Recruit women and girls to be involved in your league. Train them in whatever ways are needed.

Expand your life
Write down 20 (or more) things you like to do or would like to start doing. Circle the ones that have nothing to do with professional sports that exclude women and start doing those more often.

Put your money towards fairness (and what you say you believe in)
Sponsor women’s pro tackle football and attend their games.
Sponsor girls’ tackle football and attend their games when you are in the area.

Bring some fairness to football.
Go out and play football with your daughters and sons, nieces and nephews, etc. Teach them patiently and respectfully the skills needed. Remind those who already know how to play that they’ve been lucky to have that support and guidance.

Talk about the problem
Share that you don’t like how girls and women have been excluded from playing football. Tell the people in your life that you will do differently. Show them that you are different.

Speak up
Speak up when someone uses gendered statements (such “Man up” or “You’re acting like a little girl”) and give them an alternative, such as “Hey, use ‘Suck it up’ instead” or “Hey, use ‘Put on your game face’ instead.”
Practice responses to sexist comments, such as:
“Football is for everyone. Some people and leagues are slow to catch onto that.”
“Not everyone wants to play football, but it’s not fair to exclude someone before they even have a chance to try.”
“Not in my opinion.” (This general phrase can be used in almost any conversation.)

Promote kids playing together
Encourage kids to play together, whether they are girls or boys. Adults typically segregate kids too much by gender and kids pick up on it.

Talk about something else
Think of three topics you enjoy talking about that having nothing to do with sports (particularly those that exclude women and girls) and start learning how to have those conversations.

Spread the message
Forward this post to the people you want to read it.

* I realize some teams have girls as kickers and, more rarely, in other positions. This is great progress, though definitely not enough to stop the toxic culture. Open, full participation of girls and women is needed.

1 Page 106, Younger Next Year for Women by Chris Crowley and Henry S. Lodge, M.D.

What do kids learn from us at the zoo?

What do kids learn from us at the zoo?

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Parents on your left are teaching it, and parents on your right. 

 “Look at him,” “He’s jumping,” “See his stripes?”

They’re sending the message that there is one primary gender and it is male.

These parents may not even realize they’re doing it. If they do realize it, they might not think it’s a big deal.

Yet by calling every animal they’re looking at a “he,” they are promoting patriarchy and passing it onto our children.

Patriarchy is a way of looking at life and people.

It directs us to focus on males’ existence, abilities, and accomplishments.  It wants us to ignore females, except when they are raising young or meeting the needs of the males of the species. It guides us to filter out what females are doing right in front of our faces, and teaches our children to do the same.

The rare moment when a female animal is acknowledged by parents at the zoo is when a baby is spotted. The animal near the baby is then called a “mommy.” This perpetuates the belief that females are only “baby makers” and not fierce animals in their own right. It also perpetuates the belief that females are not worthy of talking about unless they are reproducing or taking care of others.

What these parents forget to communicate to their children is that female tigers don’t always have babies to care for and can rip your arm off just as much as a male tiger.

In fact, in some animal species, the females are particularly terrifying and in many species the female is bigger than the male.

Most female spiders eat the males after sex, as do several octopus and occasionally the Praying Mantis. Male bees do not even have stingers and stay in the hive, while every bee you see busily buzzing from flower to flower is female. Among sharks, including the Great White, the females are bigger–so too with whales; the Giant Squid; many snakes like the Anaconda; birds of prey such as the Red-tailed Hawk; Hyenas; Vampire bats; Leopard seals and so on. It’s very telling and problematic that many of us were never told these facts about the animal world during our childhoods. These facts definitely conflict with the values patriarchal thinking wants to promote.

Using “he” automatically to  represent an entire species has serious consequences:

  • All decisions, policies, and laws are made with the interests and wishes of “he.” Any accommodations for a “she” are considered special interest, extra, inconvenient, and excessive.
  • When resources are divvied out, they automatically go to “he.” Any resources that go to “she” are considered special interest, extra, inconvenient, and excessive.
  • When we automatically think of who would be best suited for our most important, critical, high-ranking jobs, we think of “he.” A “she” might be considered, but she will never be quite right.
  • When we think of a person who represents the best of our species, who we all hope to aspire to be, we think of a “he.” A “she” could never be this.
  • Data collected for computer programs are based on “he.”
  • Medical studies are designed for “he.”
  • Stories and nonfiction accounts in books and movies feature the perspective of “he” and we think we are telling the whole story.

It’s time to stop perpetuating patriarchal thinking and give the women and girls in the world their due.

This starts with something as simple as a visit to the zoo, and our use of pronouns.

By using the pronouns “she” and “it” at the zoo, and elsewhere, we are helping those words stick in kids’ brains.

Using “she,” and the related pronouns “her/hers/herself,” raises people’s awareness about the overlooked, other half of the population.

By using “it” (and the related pronouns “its/itself”), we decrease the emphasis on whether anything is female or male. Instead we focus our and our children’s attention on the individual tiger’s actions, majesty, power, and ability. This communicates to our children that their own biological sex isn’t first and foremost; that there is so much more to them that is important.

“Look at the tiger, it has stripes.” “It’s climbing. What’s it going to do next?” or “Look how big its head is.”

If you don’t like the word “it,” I invite you to consider: 

  • What about “it” is hard for me?
  • Who benefits if I refuse to use “it”?
  • What will I gain if I use “it”?
  • How can I make it easier for myself to use “it”?

Usually a child will ask us, “Is it a girl or a boy?” (They will, because they’ve learned from the adults around them to focus on gender.) In response, we can say, “I don’t know. I do know, though, that it is a magnificent animal.” Then we can talk about the animal’s qualities and actions. If we do know the animal’s sex, we can still say, “That’s an interesting question. A question I have is what part of the world is it from? What does it like to eat?”

As you can imagine, using the pronouns “she” and “it” are helpful beyond the zoo. By being intentional with our words, we can recognize ways we have internalized patriarchy and sexism. That recognition is a gift to ourselves and our children. We can then re-teach ourselves and choose what we will pass onto our children. prono

Action Steps

■ Use "she" and "it"
Start using "she" and “it” in your day-to-day life when you talk about animals, e.g. dogs being walked, cats in a driveway, birds, squirrels, etc.

■ Make Changes
Notice the gender/biological sex of the main characters in books. Make changes to books, stories, and other messages, etc. to represent your values. If you own the book, you can write in the changes. If you are borrowing the book, you can verbally change the words. Remember, in the absence of your influence, other influences will fill in and take over.

■ Observe your child
Pay attention to how your child talks about their* stuffed animals. If most or all of the stuffed animals are male, it’s an opportunity to mention to your child that the world is full of female and male animals and that your home is part of that world. Then ask your child to think about which ones they'll make female. Avoid suggesting stereotypical reasons for deciding which animals are female, such as the one wearing a bow, with exaggerated eyelashes, wearing pink, the smaller one, wearing a dress, or because it's cute. Observe your child and you'll learn what messages they've already picked up about gender.

■ Look for bias
When you’re visiting children’s venues, notice how animals are represented. Encourage people who run animals shows to be clear when a animal is a "she," as many times this is overlooked. They can also use "it" for every animal, which is easy and inclusive. Notice the adjectives used when describing the same behavior in different sexes of an animal. While a boy animal might be called "curious," a girl might be "nosy." A boy animal might be "strong" while a girl animal might be "cute."

What message are our kid’s clothes sending?

What message are our kid’s clothes sending?

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You may have noticed the same thing:

the huge difference in clothes bought by parents of boys versus parents of girls.

I’m talking about leggings.

“I can’t control what’s in the store,” a parent might say. Or “It’s just leggings. Get over it.”

I say, parents’ purchases of leggings relate directly to what we say we crave:  gender equity.

For better or for worse, leggings are turning up almost everywhere, in all kinds of situations. “Online purchases of leggings [in 2016] were up 41% over the year prior, with the volume of orders surpassing orders of denim.” 1 Many schools and businesses have felt the need to address leggings in their dress codes.

Yet boys are not given leggings to wear when they go to the playground, school, or to run around with friends.*

The disparity is telling us something.

Parents dressing their little girls in leggings and not their little boys are sending their kids the message, however unconsciously, that girls’ bodies are meant to be on display. They are perpetuating the attitude that a major part of a girl’s value is as a visual aesthetic for others’ enjoyment and consumption. They are offering up her young, toned body like a public commodity for anyone who chooses to look.

While the message about boys is that a boy’s value has very little to do with being a visual aesthetic for others. His body is private and owned by him alone.

With our clothing choices for our kids, we’re unintentionally raising our boys to expect girls to display their bodies for them and raising our girls to think they need to (or acquiesce to doing so).

These are problems, when you have the goal of gender equity.

As a solution, I propose everyone wears leggings.

Legging fans will tell you they’re comfortable, flattering, versatile, easy, and that their rear ends look great in them. If leggings’ virtues are so numerous, let’s stop being stingy about them and encourage everyone to wear leggings whenever they want.

No one needs to be excluded from their supposed benefits. The human body is indeed beautiful and no one needs to be excluded from showing it off.

If you are put off by my solution, you may be thinking:

“I don’t want to see boys in leggings.”

If so, consider what makes you uncomfortable about boys’ bodies or tight clothing on boys. Consider the messages you have been taught about boys. What message do you instead want to pass down to your children? Do you want your kids to think boys’ bodies are ugly, unwieldy or shameful—or that no one can enjoy gazing at a male body?

“Boys would never want to wear leggings.”

Think about how our culture has made it difficult for boys to feel good about wearing leggings. Perhaps you have made it difficult as well. Consider ways you could encourage boys to wear leggings. Remember, leggings are comfortable, easy, versatile, and so on.

“Boys’ genitalia make leggings impossible.” 

How does shaming boys for their body parts or avoiding boys’ genitalia get in the way of our goal of gender equity?  Consider what we could do differently that would make leggings possible for boys.

You might also be thinking that a piece of clothing doesn’t have a broader impact or that a piece of clothing doesn’t have anything to do with how we interact in the world.

When we choose our clothes for the day, we are recognizing, perhaps only unconsciously, that each piece of clothing is a unique experience, with specific qualities, and presents us in a certain way to the world. Scientists have also found that clothing communicates messages to the wearer as well as the observer. They’ve coined two terms, “embodied cognition” and “enclothed cognition,” to explain how our clothing influences us.

“Embodied cognition” recognizes that we think with our bodies as well as our brains, and that what we wear impacts how we interact with and view the world. If I’m wearing a tight-fitting tank top instead of a bulky sweater, part of my brain is aware that everyone around me can see my arms as well as the shape of my stomach, chest, and back. I may feel strong, weak, attractive, insecure, sexy, flabby, or fit when I think about you looking at my arms, stomach, chest or back. This awareness takes some of my attention and also influences how I act around you.

“Enclothed cognition” points out that we are influenced by the symbolic meaning of each article of clothing as well as the physical experience of wearing it. When I slip on a cashmere blazer I purchased at an elegant store, I am aware of the feel of the fabric, the careful details, the attentive customer service I experienced and the tailored professional look. I am aware of the people I have seen wearing blazers and their roles. The cashmere of the blazer may symbolize elegance and professionalism, so I feel more elegant and professional while I’m wearing it. I also feel its warm wool hugging my body and its soft cushion of fabric as I lean against my chair. Every article of clothing provides its unique experience to the wearer.

What we buy for our kids matters. Leggings are always a choice. If you buy and/or wear leggings, share the love.

Bring on the leggings.

1 http://time.com/4713921/leggings-history-origins/

* The few boys who do wear leggings are wearing them during exercise only, often under shorts, and then change into regular pants or shorts afterwards.

Action Steps

Look for Leggings For 7 days, look for leggings on everyone around you and focus on each person. Pay attention to the initial, lightning-fast thoughts that go through your mind when you see someone in leggings. Write them down and see what messages our culture has taught you.

Focus on Boys and Men One day this week, visualize every boy and man you see in leggings. Don’t rush this activity. Use your imagination and pay attention to detail.

Do a Switch When you see a woman and a man walking together, switch their outfits. Carefully imagine what their bodies would look like in each other’s outfit. Notice your thoughts and reactions. Do you feel indecent? Silly? Uncomfortable? Lecherous? Excited? Powerful? Ashamed?

What Do Our Clothes Say? On another day this week, take a look at the clothes you own. What changes would you like to make?

What Have We Been Buying? Take a look at your children’s clothing. What have you been purchasing? What could you start encouraging more of? What could you buy less of?

Try Something New If you usually wear leggings, research alternatives on the internet and experiment with them. Share what you like about them with your kids.

Leggings for All If you’re a man, buy a pair of leggings (if you don’t own them already) and wear them around the house. Notice your own experience of wearing them and the reactions of others. If you want to be bolder, wear them out in public. Again, notice your own experience and the reactions of others.

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What has the Scouts’ situation revealed to parents?

What has the Scouts’ situation revealed to parents?

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I got a bad feeling when I heard on the radio that the Boy Scouts of America would allow girls into their programs on October 11, 2017. You might think, why a bad feeling? Girls being allowed into an organization is a good thing, right? Yet from what I heard that day, it sounded as if the Girl Scouts were not considered in the Boy Scouts’ decision.

Since then, I’ve been doing some digging. Here’s my take on what I think parents need to know:

  • The Boy Scouts have shown a deep, fundamental disrespect for the inherent value, contributions, and efforts of women and girls by not collaborating fully with the Girl Scouts organization. more
  • There is a critical disconnect between the values the Boy Scouts claim to be teaching our kids and what the leadership is actually demonstrating. more
  • The Boy Scouts are basing their programming for girls on the concept of “separate but equal,” which the U.S. Supreme Court already ruled as “inherently unequal”  back in 1954. more
  • The Boy Scouts haven’t done any soul searching to rectify the maligning of women and girls that was a significant part of their founding. more
  • No two girls are exactly alike, nor are two boys. What needs are not being met by viewing our kids solely through their biological sex/gender? more
  • I’ve identified problems that will happen moving forward because of these dynamics. more

The Boy Scouts have shown a deep, fundamental disrespect for the inherent value, contributions, and efforts of women and girls by not collaborating fully with the Girl Scouts organization.

The definition of respect includes (1) to have due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of, and (2) to avoid harming or interfering with.

The leadership of the Boy Scouts of America has failed at both of these. 

More than 50 million girls and women have been involved in Girl Scouts since its founding over 100 years ago—and more than 2 million girls and women are currently involved. The Girl Scouts have been developing and honing their programming for girls the entire time, which includes leadership development and outdoor experiences.

It is respectful to collaborate with the Girls Scouts, as wanting to include girls in Boy Scouts’ programming will have an impact on the Girl Scouts’ organization. Collaborating with Girl Scouts is also just plain smart; they have a lot of expertise to draw upon.

There is a critical disconnect between the values the Boy Scouts claim to be teaching our kids and what the leadership is actually demonstrating.

Girl Scouts’ National Board of Directors’ President, Kathy Hopinkah Hannan, stated in a letter sent to Boy Scouts’ National Board of Directors’ President, Randall Stephenson, on August 21, 2017 (7 weeks before the radio announcement):

I am “deeply concerned about reports of aggressive posturing by Boy Scout leaders towards Girl Scout leaders…outlining the proposed girls program. This includes everything from disparaging and untrue remarks about Girl Scout programming, to subtle implications about the weakness of Girl Scouts’ long term market strength. Starting off any program when people are feeling bullied is not in keeping with the founding ideals of either Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts.”

Then “Hannan wrote that [the Girl Scouts] were ‘disappointed with the lack of transparency’ from BSA in testing the programs for girls and said that BSA refused to engage with Girl Scouts despite ‘repeated efforts.’ ”

I am writing on behalf of the Executive Committee of the National Board of Girls Scouts of the USA (GSUSA) as a follow-up to our call of August 16 regarding the Boy Scouts of America’s (BSA) covert campaign to recruit girls into programs run by the Boy Scouts. For more than 100 years, our organizations have worked in a respectful and complimentary manner, and we have been mutually supportive of one another’s mission to serve America’s youth. It is therefore unsettling that BSA would seek to upend a paradigm that has served both boys and girls so well through the years by moving forward with a plan that would result in fundamentally undercutting Girl Scouts of the USA. Despite our repeated efforts to engage you in open and honest dialogue about this matter, you delayed conversing with us until, seemingly, a decision was already made.

Hannan’s letter is carefully worded, as I presume she knew her letter would be made public. She would not use the word “covert” lightly and also states that the Boy Scouts “delayed conversing with us.” To date, on the BSA’s website, there is no apology or explanation.

Are these the kind of men we want our boys to become? Is this the treatment we want our girls to expect as women?

The Scout Law states a scout is “trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.” I do not see trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, or brave behavior in how the Boy Scouts treated the Girl Scouts.

The Scout Mission is “to prepare young people to make ethical and moral choices over their lifetimes by instilling in them the values of the Scout Oath and Scout Law.” I do not see ethical or moral behavior in how the Boy Scouts treated the Girl Scouts.

In our culture, we often have the tendency to side with a man’s version of events when they differ from a woman’s version. So, in this case, if the Boy Scouts are fine with how they handled themselves, then it needs to be fine with everyone. Yet in any conversation (or collaboration), if one person doesn’t feel heard or respected, that conversation is a failure.

The Boy Scouts’ disrespect is particularly alarming as they market themselves as the shaper of youth and future leaders. I do not want a leader who dismisses, ignores, or bulldozes the contributions, insights, needs, and wishes of women and girls, or any segment of the population. We need leaders who will move us toward a fairer, healthier, and more evolved world—not unilaterally make decisions that impact others without including those “others” in their decisions.

The Boy Scouts are basing their programming on the concept of “separate but equal,” which the U.S. Supreme Court already ruled as “inherently unequal”  back in 1954.

It states “Scouts BSA will be single gender – all girl troops or all boy troops” in their “frequently asked questions” section of their website. This separating of people to avoid commingling was proven ineffective with segregation. As of this writing, we read on the Boy Scouts’ website’s homepage:  “Welcome to the Boy Scouts of America.” Hmm, that doesn’t sound like an organization for girls to me.

While it’s obvious that Kathy Hopinkah Hannan was a girl herself, this is still fundamentally important. She knows what it feels like to grow up a girl in our culture.  She writes about the Boy Scouts’ separate troops: “the inevitable reality will be that the experience is either co-ed [girls and boys in the same troop], or one in which one gender is relegated to the sidelines.”

The Boy Scouts haven’t done any soul searching to rectify the maligning of women and girls that was a significant part of their founding.

When the Boy Scouts of America was founded in 1910 “tensions between men and women were prevalent. ” 1 

Around that time, “the majority of men went from predominantly owning and controlling their means of work to working outside the home.” 2 This meant men started working for “someone else,” another man who then had control over his work life. People saw men changing because of this and considered it a crisis in masculinity–and women were blamed.

To rectify this identified crisis, boys and men were intentionally separated from girls and women. “The revitalization of organizations for boys such as the Young Men’s Christian Association (YMCA) and the creation of the Boy’s Brigades, Knights of King Arthur and the Boy Scouts all served to reinforce [the] dominant [form of] masculinity.” “Men’s organizations also flourished with the rise of the lodge and male fraternity designed to organize against the ‘feminization’ of men.” 3

“There was widespread white male panic in the United States about the feminization of society and the need to preserve masculine toughness. From the creation of the Boy Scouts to Teddy Roosevelt’s Rough Riders, a public campaign tried to revitalize manhood as a cultural basis for revitalizing male-identified society and, with it, male privilege.” 4

According to Ernest Thompson Seton in 1910, one of the founders of the Boy Scouts in the United States and co-author of the first official handbook for Boy Scouts of America, “women were turning ‘robust, manly, self-reliant boyhood into a lot of flat chested cigarette smokers with shaky nerves and doubtful vitality.’ ” 5 

The Boy Scouts’ sentiments toward women and girls are demonstrated in the numerous lawsuits against the Boy Scouts, ranging from women wanting to be scoutmasters (Boy Scouts of America v. Commission on Human Rights and Opportunities, 1987) to girls wanting to join (Yeaw  v. Boy Scouts of America, 1997). The Boy Scouts fought against these girls’ and women’s wishes every time.

No two girls are exactly alike, nor are two boys. What needs are not being met by viewing our kids solely through their biological sex/gender?

When kids are grouped by their gender, they define themselves more by their gender (and all the stereotypes associated with it), feel more anxiety in mixed-gender situations, and have fewer friends of a different gender.

When an activity is single gender, sexism is nurtured as the activity creates an isolated, “green house” environment for tiny shoots of sexist thought to grow unchallenged and strengthen.

The Global Early Adolescent Study shows that “sexism is at the root of some key risks facing girls—and boys—around the world,” including in the United States.

I’ve identified problems that will happen moving forward because of these dynamics.

Here are some example scenarios I thought of:

  • A girl troop needs a space at the same time that a boy troop needs it. What is the process for deciding who gets to use the space? Will the boy troop usually or always get preference? If not, will the boys be resentful? If so, will girls be learning “their place”–that they always come second to boys?
  • A woman troop leader has a strong disagreement with a man troop leader. What are the verbal conflict resolution steps that will be followed? Who will apply pressure? Who will expect to get their way? Who will be expected to give in? What harassment will the woman troop leader face if she doesn’t back down?
  • A girl is faster/stronger/smarter than a boy in some scouting event or activity. How will the other boys treat that boy scout? How will that boy scout feel? How will the girl scout be received by her male peers? What training will the troop leaders have had to role model and guide all the kids through these likely scenarios to avoid shame, stereotypes, and hostility.

When these girls and boys become adults, what will happen in these scenarios:

  • A young woman in a college dorm changes her mind about having sex with a young man she likes. Will she speak up? If she does, will he listen to her and stop? If he stops, will he be angry with her? Or will he accept that she is not on this planet to serve his wishes above her own?
  • A husband feels strongly about something that his wife has a different, equally strong feeling about. Will she need to cave in and will he expect her to? If she doesn’t cave in, will he be stunned and angry? Or worse?
  • What happens when it’s time to vote for a political candidate and one is a man and the other is a woman? Will a former scout ever be able to vote for a woman (instead of a man) in a top job even when she is more qualified?

If the Boy Scouts had approached their decision-making process with the goals of being both constructive and respectful they would have done one of these options:

  • Collaborated with the Girls Scouts to create a new program for families who want scouting for both their daughters and sons in one place. This would have respected each organization’s expertise; demonstrated innovation, mutually respectful leadership and teamwork; created an opportunity to invent a hybrid program using each organization’s strengths; and offered the solution some families are asking for. Families who wanted to remain with single-gender activities could stay with either scouting organization’s original programming.
  • Accepted the smaller number of boy scouts and concentrated on providing quality programming to those members, while also decreasing the Boy Scouts of America’s personnel, infrastructure and operations costs.
  • Created innovative programming to increase membership among boys. If I had my wish, their programming would include the development of empathy, verbal conflict resolution, an understanding of intersectionality, emotional intelligence, self-compassion, and the ability to tell the stories of the many unheralded women and girls who have contributed to our world.
  • Recognized, from the input of busy parents, or–even better–because they realize they’ve been misguided from the beginning, that there is a need for one scouting organization to serve all youth and start talks with the Girl Scouts about co-creating one. This would also involve having a new, inclusive name in place before the announcement.

By working with the Girl Scouts respectfully and effectively, the Boy Scouts would have demonstrated what productive leadership looks like. They would have shown their youth what it means to work together for the greater good of all.

To the Boy Scouts of America, it’s not too late. You can still demonstrate respect, teamwork, and humility. We all make mistakes. You can apologize, make amends, and start anew. The Boy Scouts and the Girl Scouts both have something worthy to contribute to our better future, and you can model for all of us how to make amends and collaborate.

1 Page 233 to 234, An Introduction to Masculinities by Jack S. Kahn

2 Page 233 to 234, An Introduction to Masculinities by Jack S. Kahn

3 Page 233 to 234, An Introduction to Masculinities by Jack S. Kahn

4 Page 229, The Gender Knot: Unraveling Our Patriarchal Legacy by Allan G. Johnson

5 Page 233 to 234, An Introduction to Masculinities by Jack S. Kahn

Action steps

1) If you agree, ask the Boy Scouts to publicly apologize to the Girl Scouts. Send a copy of your request to the Girl Scouts.

Boy Scouts
https://www.scouting.org/about/contact-us/
Executive Team information
https://www.scoutingnewsroom.org/about-the-bsa/national-leadership/

Girl Scouts
https://www.girlscouts.org/en/contact-us/contact-us/customer-support.html
Executive Team information
https://www.girlscouts.org/en/about-girl-scouts/our-leadership/executive-team.html

2) Let both organizations know your thoughts on forming a new program that serves both girls and boys in the same troops (not separate troops).

3) If you are concerned about the Boy Scouts' ability to serve the public good, contact members of the U.S. House Committee on the Judiciary (the entity responsible for giving the Boy Scouts their Congressional Charter, Title 36).*
Their phone number is (202) 225-3951
Their address is:
U.S. House Committee on the Judiciary
Committee Hearing Room
2141 Rayburn House Office Building
Washington, D.C. 20515
https://judiciary.house.gov/contact
Mail and phone are the best ways to reach them as Congressmembers only accept e-mails from residents of their districts.

* "Eligibility for a charter is based on a group’s activities, whether they are unique, and whether or not they are in the public interest," i.e. the welfare or well-being of the general public and society. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Congressional_charter

4) Think about the activities you participate in or watch. Do any of them exclude a gender? Even when we are not the organizers of such activities, we are contributing to them by being a participant, fan, customer, or spectator. If you believe in equality, how do you rationalize what you’re doing? Who benefits? Who misses out?

5) What activities do you have your children participate in that exclude a gender? What message is this sending them?

6) Research youth organizations that were founded with both girls and boys participating together. What message is that sending our children?

7) How is your decision-making? Are you making decisions that impact others without giving them opportunities to share their ideas and concerns? How could you be more inclusive in your decision making?

8) What can you do this week to be more inclusive? How will you remind yourself to do so?

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