Is your family vacation sexist?
Do you have a conversation that keeps coming back to you?
I do.
While on vacation, I briefly met a parent who was beaming from ear to ear. He was walking around as if he was the most amazing person in the room and his kids were the luckiest children in the world.
How wrong he was.
He was taking his two kids, ages 10 and 12, around the country to see Major League Baseball games in different stadiums over the summer.
I didn’t have the presence of mind at the time to calmly ask him in front of his kids, “Which female sporting events will you be attending on your trip?” and “Which female athletes are you excited to see on your trip?” Nor did I have the presence of mind to guide him into understanding the benefits of including an equal number of women’s sporting events on his vacation.
The next time this happens, though, I want to be more prepared.
Parents, it is not enough to say we value females and males equally. It is not enough for us to demonstrate our belief in gender equity in merely a few ways or on a road that is already paved for us, such as by watching the Olympics. We must demonstrate gender equity on a regular and continual basis, in every area of life—not just the convenient ones—for us to be believed. For our kids’ sake, we must be willing to clear a path where no one else is going, one step at a time, to create the paved road that others can follow.
Sports is a pivotal area for parents to take action. It is where many parents, who view themselves as fair and equity-minded, continue to permit, participate in and fuel blatant, damaging sexism.
It is abundantly clear that our culture hasn’t yet figured out a way to make sports truly inclusive, mixed or co-ed. It is also abundantly clear that there is no room in our sports culture right now for a male to publicly lose to a female in a sports competition and feel good about himself—and have other males feel good about him.
We cannot wait, though, until we have that figured out. We must support female athletics equally now, in every way, if we honestly want gender equity for our children and for ourselves. Because how we treat female athletes now impacts how we treat females in every other area of life—even if we are unwilling to acknowledge this.
How we have spent our time, money and other resources clearly has not worked. We need to start spending our resources differently, starting today, by spending them equally on female sports.
If that feels too hard for some of us, that shows the huge investment of time and money we each already spend on male sports. That time and money has been spent at the expense of others, the other half of the population. Starting today, we can each be fair, while still spending the same amount of money and time we did before.
If you support this, great. Next steps are below. If you still want nothing to do with this, I challenge you to read on.
Equal money
For every check, online payment or donation we make related to male sports, we need to make an equal payment or donation to a female league, team or organization from this list (link). This includes any expenses for our son’s sport activities (equipment, fees, clothing, etc.), our own athletic activities (if we’re male), amateur or professional teams we support, and any other expenses that fund male sports (concessions at the game, memorabilia, etc.). Ideally we want to include airline flights and lodging we purchase for out-of-town games/tournaments, as female athletes also need funds for transportation and lodging. However, if that feels too daunting to start with, we can focus on the other areas first. The goal is, however, to work towards including those purchases, too.
Pay special attention to the corporate sponsors of female leagues, tournaments and teams you follow. Write their Directors of Corporate Sponsorships at their headquarters to let them know you appreciate their financial support of your team, league or tournament. Consider becoming customers of those businesses.
Initially, it will take effort and new tools to remember to spend your money equally, such as sticky notes in our checkbook and on our credit cards. Over time, though, it can become a habit; one that feels great, as we will be truly part of the solution.
Why this matters
In our culture, if we want something to exist and grow, we need to spend our money on it. We truly vote with each of our wallets. When we buy a ticket, season tickets, or an entire section for the season, we are giving resources to what we value.
Money is essential to running a sports operation, and helping it become stronger and more noticeable. This investment catches the attention of businesspeople looking for new opportunities and new markets. They pay attention to where people are spending their money.
Once you take a close look at how your family has been spending its money, I am guessing you will be surprised at how much your family alone is spending on male sports.
Equal watching/Equal time
For the games and tournaments we watch on-screen (TVs, computers, hand-helds, etc.), we need to set aside time to watch the same amount for female sporting events. If we only have four hours on a weekend to watch, we need to commit half of those to watch women’s events.
With screens, we can bring female athleticism into our homes with close-up, multi-sensory experiences. Our kids can hear the excitement and respect in the commentators’ voices. Our kids can hear the enthusiasm of the crowd. Our kids can see the effort of the athletes and the determination on their faces.
This will help counteract the multitude of visuals and messages that oppose or demean female athleticism. If we record a game ahead of time, we can also skip the advertisements. If that’s not an option, we can mute the advertisements and have a quick chat during the commercial breaks. Or we can watch the commercials and talk about any that are notable for their positivity or negativity.
List of ways to watch women’s sports. (hyperlink)
Why this matters
Because our culture still forces kids into two strictly defined groups (girls and boys) and relates everything to being in one of those groups, girls need to see girls and women doing an activity, being admired for doing it, and being rewarded for doing it on a regular basis before they will truly think they can do it or want to commit to doing it themselves. If they see boys and men doing something, they may develop admiration for males but they won’t as readily want to do that activity, continue to do it or think they can do it. Showing both our daughters and sons that we watch women’s sports will help males respect and admire females and will help females invest themselves more fully in athletics.
To keep our daughters invested in athletics, we also need to give them experiences at every stage of their development with athletic female role models, on a frequent and consistent basis, who are admired and rewarded. As soon as they can sit and watch part of a game, we need to take them to see girls’ elementary, middle school and recreation department games. When they are in middle school, we need to take them to girls’ high school games. When in high school we need to take them to women’s college games. When in college we need to take them to women’s professional games. Throughout their childhoods, we can take them to women’s college and professional games at any time. If they end up being professional athletes, we can take them to watch other female professionals, as well as professional coaches, managers, commissioners and administrators. Our sons need to see all of these events, too, throughout their childhoods so they develop a deep, foundational respect and admiration for female athletes.
Equal live games
If you’re going to see a local men’s game, make sure you have tickets to see a women’s game soon in the area, too. Seeing a professional women’s game is ideal. If no professional team is nearby, then see a women’s college game. If you only have time to see a men’s game on a trip, consider not going to that game or make sure you have a female game lined up when you arrive home. Next time you plan a trip, plan to see a women’s game, too, or do a separate trip to see a women’s game.
If the ticket to a men’s live event costs more, donate the difference in money to a women’s league or organization from this list. If someone offers you free tickets to a men’s game and you decide to go, make sure you find a women’s game to go to and pay the necessary money to go see it. The women’s teams and leagues need attendees to pay for their tickets. If you’re given free tickets to a women’s game, make sure to invest your money in other ways, such as sending money to the Operations Department of the team. You can also give your free tickets to a friend who you want to inspire to join you in supporting female sports and then buy your own tickets.
If you take approximately 5 hours out of your day to watch a male sporting event, take approximately 5 hours another time for women’s sports. I understand that it’s not possible or fun to be so precise with your timing. However it’s not fair to spend 5 hours invested in a male game, including transportation, while you’re spending just an hour and thirty minutes on a female sporting event closer to home. We want to aim for equity and so in this case it would be good to see two female sporting events for the one male sporting event.
However when the disparity is too wide, it undermines the purpose of equity.
Why this matters
Teams benefit from the number of fans in attendance and the concessions and memorabilia you purchase. Your kids benefit from seeing the hundreds or thousands of people in attendance, people of all types, who are showing up to watch. It’s fun and affirming to be where everyone is excited about the game. Going to see live female sporting events isn’t merely about entertainment either. It’s about doing our part to bring equity to sports.
Equal clothing and memorabilia
For all the items you wear with a team, league, tournament or other male-sport focus on them, buy and wear an equal number for the female teams, tournaments and leagues listed here. (hyperlink) When you buy a new one related to male sports, buy a new one for female sports. These items include hats, sweatshirts, T-shirts, water bottles, bags, figurines, posters, etc. When you wear or use an item with a women’s sports team on it, be prepared for questions or comments you might hear when wearing the item. Consider ways to explain your purpose and inspire others to join you. Some examples are: I like supporting all athletes. I saw a great game this week; I like watching all athletes, I saw a great game this week; and I think sports are for everyone, I saw a great game this week.
Why this matters
What clothes do we buy and wear? We are walking billboards, whether we realize it or not. The words and graphics on our shirts communicate to everyone around us what we care about.
What do we display on our walls and shelves at home and at work? What do we still have from our childhoods? All these choices tell our children what we like, respect and value. When you show equal representation of females and males in these choices, you are sending an unmistakable message of gender equity. When you don’t, the message is clear that you don’t think females are truly the equals of males.
Instigate conversations equally
For every conversation you engage in about men’s and boy’s sports, add what you’re excited about in girls’ and women’s sports. You can bring up the plays, moves or strategies you enjoyed at a recent game or tournament. It helps to think of these before you show up to meet friends or family, so you’ll be more prepared to add them into the conversation. If it feels awkward at first to do this, that’s normal as it’s a new behavior. With practice it will start to feel more natural.
The responses you receive will be telling. People in your life may be negative, surprised, or enthusiastic. If you hear negative comments such as “Why are you talking about that?,” “Who cares?”, “What’s your problem?,” or “You see any hotties?” have some simple, generic responses ready such as, “It was a great game. You can come with me sometime” or simply “It was a great game.” Pay special attention to not making generalizations about female athletes or saying sexist or patronizing things. For example, instead of saying “the women’s game is more about fundamentals,” say “I saw both teams using all five players very strategically which was fun to watch. No single player hogged the ball.”
Why this matters
Women and girls need to be part of our conversations. When we avoid talking about female athletes and female sports, we are acting like they don’t exist, making them invisible in our day-to-day lives, and definitely not giving them the respect they deserve. If we talk about female athletes every day with excitement and respect, we are literally changing the conversation around sports to be more equitable. Each conversation you have matters. When we speak up, we are showing people how to have equitable conversations so they will be a little bit less hesitant to bring up female sporting events in their own conversations. Talking about female sports is also fun and will increase our enjoyment. As what we focus on grows, every respectful conversation we have about female athletes makes them more present in people’s minds.
Equal enthusiasm and respect
We need to express, in front of our kids, genuine enthusiasm for girl and women athletes and sporting events on a regular basis. To increase genuine feeling, it can help to write down what we are truly excited about and respect about female sports and female athletes, in our area and in other parts of the U.S. We can ask, “What do we respect about this athlete?” and “What do we like about the sport she is playing?”
We also need to notice any sexism that comes up in our answers and focus on the non-sexist parts. For example, if we write down that we like seeing their fit bodies in tiny uniforms, only notice their grace and beauty, are uncomfortable with what we see and think “who does she think she is?” or claim “she’s too muscular,” we need to redirect our focus toward the athletes’ dedication, teamwork, courageousness or other qualities we admire. These can include their speed, strength, skill, effort and strategic thinking. Social media gives us another way to let people know what we’re enthusiastic about and respect.
Why this matters
Kids pick up on what we’re truly enthusiastic about, what we are doing reluctantly, and what we resent. They notice our facial expressions, tone of voice, body language and word choices, so developing genuine respect for female athletes and the sports they’re involved in is essential. If we want our kids to care, we need to care.
Helping your child
I witnessed a father bring his daughter to a family and friends touch football game without ever teaching her how to throw or catch a football. His lack of guidance and information would set anyone up for failure, embarrassment and a negative experience. Our daughters deserve better.
Spending time teaching our daughters the skills for prominent sports is very important, particularly the sports we enjoy. They need to learn from us how to throw and catch a football, baseball, softball, basketball, etc. We need to teach them how to kick a soccer ball and other sports’ skills. We can have fun teaching them and include positive friends, neighbors and family members in games.
If you’re a female parent, figure out a way to coach your children’s teams. It may mean trusting your experience or learning a bit more before the season starts. There are several resources for coaches, including Positive Coaching Alliance. Our kids need to see more women as coaches.
Why it’s important
Developing all of these sports’ skills will help our daughters truly know that they are capable of doing every single sport, even if our culture does not allow for that right now.
The extra encouragement, information and consistency we can provide are also essential to counteract the countless negative messages and images our daughters hear and see from other people and the media. Messages they learn include “Girls can’t play football,” “Girls can’t hit a baseball,” and “Girls just aren’t athletic enough.” We’ve heard many variations of these messages, for practically every sport.
Our children don’t have to literally hear these messages to pick them up either. All they need to do is look around. They’ll see only males on the field, only male athletes on TV, and the people around them wearing clothing only for male teams.
We will also need to continue to support our daughters when they participate in sports camps, clinics and on teams, as some coaches and teachers undermine our positive messages with their lowered expectations, dumbed-down instruction and tepid enthusiasm.
Children having female coaches gives them experience with the knowledge and ability of female athletes. The increase in female teams gave many males more coaching opportunities. Females need to step up into those roles.
As our daughters grow up, they start to pay more attention to how many male athletes are celebrated versus female athletes and they, of course, start to lose interest. We can change that. We can increase our daughters’ interest and commitment to their athletic selves with our own interest and commitment to their athletic selves. Also if our daughters have already been turned off to sports, we can reintroduce them respectfully back into the enjoyment of sports.
Equal reading
Start paying attention to how lopsided sports reporting is. Notice the prominence and quantity of the stories featuring males. Write sports editors and reporters and let them know that you want to see more female sports reported. Let them know the specific women’s sporting events, leagues, tournaments and games you want more coverage on. Find articles you like on women’s sports, share them through social media and e-mail them to people you know who may be interested. Write the journalists and commentators who cover women’s sports and let them know you like what they’re doing. They can pass your comments along to other decision-makers.
Why this matters
When we make the effort to read more about female athletes, our respect and enthusiasm for them will grow. We’ll also become more aware of the disparity in sports coverage, want to speak up to change it, and uncover favorite sources we can recommend to others. Our kids notice what we’re reading and knowledgeable about, so they’ll believe our commitment to gender equity more when we do this.
Conclusion
By spending our resources equally on female sports, we will be showing our children that we really do value the effort and skills of female athletes equally. Every purchase, donation, conversation, and effort will help. It’s fun, inspiring, and interesting to follow athletes, games, leagues and tournaments, and we can have that same enjoyment with female sports.
In the conversation I referred to earlier, I remember the son making eye contact with me and the daughter looking down when their father was talking. That is very telling. The son clearly felt a part of something that is respected and heralded, and the daughter did not. Both children showed the impact the trip was having on them. I can only imagine the impact this trip has had on their sibling relationship. Overall, we can do better for our kids, whether we have daughters or not.
Action steps
Pick a step below to start with, make a plan to do it, and reward yourself once you’ve accomplished it. When you’re ready, do another step, reward yourself, repeat and so on. Every step you make helps.
Go to your local teams’ and leagues’ online calendars and put their games and tournaments on your own calendar. (Link to list of links for leagues’ and teams’ calendars.) Find one to go to and make a plan so you can be there. When at the game or tournament, enjoy yourself. If there are no professional team games you can attend, find the games’ schedule for the colleges near you. If there are no colleges, find the high school next to you. Attend one game, then another, and so on.
Buy a T-shirt, sweatshirt or hat for a team or league you want to support and wear it proudly. Be ready with an explanation of why you’re wearing it. People need to hear the “why.”
Look at last month’s checking account withdrawals or your last credit card statement and find expenses that support men’s sports in some way. Note the amount and make an online payment (or send a check) to your favorite team or organization from this list. For this month, send donations or payments as you make them.
Find a team or tournament to watch on your TV, computer or handheld (from list) and find a specific game or event to watch. Sit back and enjoy.
Find a cable channel that shows women’s sports and call a restaurant you like that also has a TV. Ask the manager if they have that cable channel. Then request that they show a certain game and invite friends and family who are supportive to watch the game with their kids at the restaurant with you.
Talk with a restaurant about showing one of the games on all of their TVs and have a group of people you know come watch with their kids.
Find an article online about a local women’s or girls’ team and share what you liked about the article with a friend or family member.
Share something you enjoyed about a recent women’s or girls’ game in a conversation.
Think about a sport you’d like to share or improve your skills in and invite your child to do it with you.
Share a story or experience related to women’s or girls’ sports that is inspiring and share it with your children.
