Sometimes my life partner and I disagree about important topics. How do I bring up topics that are important to me so we can reach a “win-win” solution?
Talking about topics that are important to us, even when our partners disagree with us, is fundamental to gender equity moving forward.
Not speaking up* is what keeps inequality in place.
When we don’t speak up about our feelings, wishes and ideas to supposedly “keep the peace,” we are permitting others to dictate who we are, who we can be, what we can do, and what we can say.
When we attempt to express our wishes and then stop when we are met with resistance, we are also permitting others to define us and our lives. Without any of us realizing it, we can be perpetuating the very stereotypes we claim we don’t believe in—sometimes because of habit, convenience, discomfort with conflict, lack of communication skills, or insecurity. Conversations that challenge (or uncover) our patterns, habits, and biases are not easy; yet they are essential to shifting to new ways of behaving and thinking.
Expressing our genuine feelings and wishes, in fact, may be the very things that will help foster gender equity in our homes.
The first step in a difficult conversation is believing a “win-win” resolution is possible. A “win-win” is a solution that works for both people (even though the solution may not be what each person would have picked with only their own feelings or wishes to consider). Believing a “win-win” is possible gives everyone the extra energy and hope to persevere through the most difficult parts of a conversation until a resolution is found. Some people do not believe a win-win is possible. If that is your life partner, it is still worthwhile to use these methods and see what progress can be made.
The second step is giving yourself and your partner grace. We need to give ourselves grace for the sexism we possess as it is a natural result of being raised by a sexist culture. Recognizing our sexism now and being open to others pointing it out are how we can move past it. We also need to give ourselves grace as we uncover and handle each layer of sexism; giving ourselves permission to make progress one step at a time.
Here are some other guidelines for having these difficult conversations:
Timing
Consider a good time to bring up the topic. There will likely be no perfect time, so don’t wait for that. Do though consider if your partner is particularly tired, stressed, angry, hungry, or rushed. Wait until you and your partner are generally calm and have some time.
Preparation
Preparation will help you keep the conversation focused on your highest priority. Beforehand write down all of your feelings, thoughts, and ideas related to the topic, without judgment. Express everything, including your sadness and anger. Later, read through what you’ve written and highlight points that can be part of a productive, respectful conversation. Write or type those points down separately in order of priority. If the conversation ends abruptly, you will have at least been able to share your most important point which you can both think about until the conversation resumes.
Starting with your positive thoughts and intentions
Share with your partner your positive reasons for wanting this conversation. They may be because you want to feel closer to your partner or you need your partner’s help to achieve something that is important to you. If appropriate, you may want to thank your spouse for what they’ve done so far related to the topic.
Example: “I wanted to talk to you because our relationship is important to me. Even though this topic is a difficult one, I believe we can figure something out.”
Write tangents down
Other topics often come up in difficult conversations. Have a piece of paper and pen handy to write down other topics that come up. You can address those topics at another time and keep this conversation focused on the one topic.
Example: “I am going to write down what you said so we can make sure to talk about it later.”
Use “I” statements for what you want
Using “I” statements helps remove blame and directs us to be clear about what we want from our partner.
Some example “I” statements:
- I want to pay our bills every other month so I have a better understanding of our finances. This is no reflection on you. It is because I want to have a better understanding. I can start in March or April. Which works better for you?
- To demonstrate to our kids what gender equity looks like in sports, I want our family to watch an equal number of female sporting events and male sporting events. I also want to watch sports that include women and men playing together. I need your help to make this happen. How can you help with this?
Use “I” statements for how you’re feeling
Using “I” statements keep our focus on our own experience and decrease blame.
Some examples:
- Person A: I don’t feel like talking to you when you raise your voice. Person B: I’m not raising my voice. Person A: To me, you are. I need to stop this conversation until I feel calmer
- I feel shut down when you interrupt me.
- I don’t feel like sharing when you tell me I am wrong.
- When you keep track of the time while I am talking, I feel you are not interested in what I’m saying.
- When you stay friendly with people who have been hostile to me, I don’t feel safe with you.
If your request is dismissed
If your request is dismissed or misunderstood, repeat as often as needed in the same, original tone. This will keep you from using a negative tone, saying words that hurt, or giving up. You may also need to say your request using different words to be understood.
Keep the kids out of it
While positive, verbal conflict resolution is wonderful to witness, kids do not need to hear your stressful, angry conversations.
If you think the conversation may lead to raised voices or hurtful behavior, start the conversation when your kids are not around. You can even have the conversation over the phone if whoever is with the kids can keep their side of the conversation calm and private.
Think about what has created positive discussions in the past.
Does it help to tell your partner ahead of time what you want to talk about? Does it help to schedule the time in your calendars? Does it help to be away from home? Use what you’ve learned to foster a productive conversation.
Pay attention to your spouse’s behavioral patterns.
When you disagree, does your spouse become so angry a productive conversation becomes impossible? Does your spouse insult you? Threaten to take away something you value? Dismiss your wishes? Refuse to talk about it? Become so flooded with emotions that talking productively can’t happen?
All of these behavioral patterns could benefit from a professional therapist and I encourage you to seek one out that is qualified to help you.
For more mild behaviors, think about your spouse’s behavior patterns and what could lead to a more productive conversation.
When your partner won’t budge
Sometimes a topic is too difficult to make progress on in one conversation. If your partner refuses to work on a “win-win” with you, you can take a break from the conversation and come back to it later.
Example:
I can see you feel very strongly about this. I still want to talk about it but I am going to take a break for now. Know that this is not settled for me and I will want to come up with a solution that also works for me later on.
These conversations are important. Remember, your feelings, ideas, and wishes matter.
* Related to intersectionality: when we are a person whose group has less power and privilege, we need to speak up. When we are a person whose group holds more power and privilege, we need to encourage our partner to speak up and listen carefully.
Modeling Gender Equity | Words That Identify Gender | Handling Disagreements With Life Partner | Benefits of Not Emphasizing Gender | Keeping Gender in the Background | How Critical to Knowing Someone Is Biological Sex or Gender? | Overcoming Uncomfortable Discussions About Reproductive Parts | Handling Stereotypical Behaviours | Handling “Be a Man” Directives Towards Son | Handling “Smile” or “Hug Me” Directives Towards Daughter | Suggest to P.E. Teacher Not to Divide Teams By Gender | Explaining Why Girls and Women in Children’s Books Have Long Hair | Using Other Adjectives When Praising Your Child | Handling Pronouns for Toddlers | Handing Pronouns for Younger School-Age Children | Handing Pronouns for Older School-Age Children
